a cry for help... i need it.

[Fitseries3]

im SO fucking lost in my life right now. i feel like im just done. i know i sound stupid to most people talking like this but i can at least admit i need help.

i havent been around a whole lot lately im sure some of you can tell and have noticed. my life has taken a HUGE turn down the wrong path and im in need of some form of help.

i dont even know where to begin. i DO NOT want you to feel sympathetic for me or feel like you have to help me but i am simply putting it out there, a cry for help.

the past 15 years of my life have been the most fucked up years ever. i've had almost every sick twisted fucked up thing happen to me, even things you never would have thought of. i've done alot of things im not proud of too.

heres a list if you want to know,

. been sexually abused
. neglected by my parents
. both my parents have stopped talking to me and are now "happier now more than ever" in their words
. been beaten numerous times
. been in the most fucked up relationship, had 2 kids, and i cant even begin to explain why its so fucked up. you dont want to know, trust me.
. grandparents died
. lost my job
. GF cheating on me in front of my face and telling me all the details
. befriended by 90% of my friends

i could go on all day. im getting fucked in every way. to top it off, i am a clinically diagnosed Schizophrenic, im Bipolar, have ADHD, im diabetic and anemic. let alone i've been depressed as fuck lately. the Zoloft and Prozac have barely lifted my spirits enough to get through the day.

i've talked to a few people and they dont have a clear answer. perhaps i need to go into more detail.

at this point i think im beyond saving myself. im not the kind of person to kill myself so dont even think about that. i almost think i would benefit from someone like dr. phil or dr. drew to intervene and guide me out of this mess.

the things i used to enjoy in life and help clear my mind are now things that are more of burden than anything. pc's dont make me happy anymore, bike riding isnt as fun as it once was, guitar sucks.... well i suck at it so yea no fun, just everything. nothing is enjoyable anymore.

i feel stuck. i have nowhere to go. i really cant leave where im at, stuck living with my gf(ex-gf?) and 2 kids. i have college classes for a few more weeks so im tied to that. i live in a small town so i cant just live in my car or anything. im telling you, im SO FUCKED UP. i dont remember the last time i took a shower or even ate a decent meal. i know thats sick but im just too fucked up right now to even take care of myself.

i've even asked god to help me. im not even that much of a religious man. i have been alot lately though. it seemed to help for a while but now im not sure what to even think. i prayed that god take my pain away. it left a few days later but its back now. worse than before.

im actually considered to be a "scary" person. i've been told this at the psychiatrist and by MANY people who are well knowledged. why? because i hold ALL my feelings and emotions in. i have done it my entire life. through my parents divorce and remarriages, through the deaths of many family members and friends, through many failed relationships. not just bad feelings or emotions either. i hold in happiness when i find it. i've tried to allow these emotions out but i cant. dont even know how anymore. this is deemed as a very bad thing from what i understand. some day i will explode. most likely being a very very bad thing. i dont want that to happen honestly.


where do i begin to get on the right path?

[MRCL]

The best solution that comes to my mind would be to leave EVERYTHING behind and start over. Although that would be difficult to accomplish. And maybe its not even the right choice. But if you're stuck like you say, you need to go back to the beginning and take the other way. I'm no psycologist in any way, so my thoughts could be complete bullshit, but thats what I would do.

[JC316]

First thing you need to do is get yourself cleaned up and get something nutritious to eat, not having those can REALLY get you down, I know. You would be surprised at how much better you would feel. I remember after I had surgery, I was in the hospital, I hadn't showered in 5 days, I had been eating eggs that tasted like a chopped up sponge and I was depressed. Once I got home, got a shower, got something good in me, everything changed.

Secondly, you need to find a release for the anger and emotions. Have you considered buying a punching bag, or joining a gym? Even just doing pushups till you collapse can release a ton of pent up emotions. Just direct all the rage and depression into fighting through the burning muscles. Find a secluded place and just scream at the top of your lungs, fuck what anyone listening might think, just let it loose.

The third might sound a little crazy, but humor me, you have nothing to lose. Rearrange your furniture, all of it, shake the place up. Get some salt, plain old table salt will do fine and spread it around your house, all over, every room. Near the windows, in the closets, EVERYTHING. Salt is used in purification rituals and has a specific energy to it that drives away entities. You may not believe in it, but I am convinced that there are entities that fuck with you and feed off from negative emotions. Rearranging the furniture will clear out any stagnant energy. Again, it may sound nuts, but just give it a shot.

Next, visualize what you want your life to be. Make it as real as possible in your mind, it's all in the details so be specific. Don't feel guilty about anything that you might want, (so long as it's legal anyway), even it if means say forgetting your family, or not having kids, just be perfectly honest with yourself on what you want and what your goals should be. Throw out the "moral standards" of what the world and people expect of you, just focus on what makes you happy and what you want. Then send out those desires as a wish that you know will come true. Like a cosmic genie overheard it will grant the wish, don't intellectualize it or think about it, just trust that the universe will deliver it to you.

Next change your clothes to something different than normal to you, get a hair cut that's different, make a new you to go with these new goals and desires. If you are normally antisocial, then go out and strike up a conversation with a stranger, etc. Observe everything, how people automate their daily lives, what makes something work, look at the world like you are watching a movie and each person is a character in it. Observe how people make you feel and question why it happens that way. How does it make you feel when a cashier asks you how you are? Do you lie and say everything is great, or do you tell the truth? Do something unexpected and watch the "glitch" in reality. The goal here is to break out of the patterns and routines that have stranded you where you are.

Just try these things, see what happens. Remember that "I don't feel like it", or "thats nuts" are crutches that keep you right where you are. If none of it works, at least you can say you tried it.

[jmcslob]

I wish I had some good advice for you here...

I had quite a bit of what happened to you Happen to me...but not all of it, so i can't tell you I completely understand But i have an Idea

I don't hate my parents...But i don't have a connection with them either...
my siblings don't understand why i don't call or come over...
My usual reply is ..Am i the only one with a Car or a Phone?



Uhhh i dont really want to go into it but yeah I got an Idea of what you are going thru...

I don't know exactly what happened but at some point i thought about each situation And stopped *feeling* anything about them...

i know it sounds retarded but some things are just the past and there is no good reason as to WHY? you no...

For me it's like I was Stuck on WHY?....
I just couldn't stop thinking of WHY?

It's like nothing you do fills SOMETHING

Nothing makes you happy for long....

Your GF did what?!!!
I'm guessing she knows everything too?
Are those your kids together?

Don't bottle your feelings accept them for what they are...and accept how they make you feel and express it somehow

Please reply...

You ever have something happen, good or bad, and feel absolutely nothing... while everyone else around reacts and your just like MEH...
90% of the Time I feel NOTHING..... REALLY.... I think it's called shellshock...
and then have something minor happen and explode...

[Black Panther]

You did the best thing by opening up your emotions here. Troubles shared are troubles halfed (or so they say I think) but you made the first step.

The worst thing you can do is bottle your emotions. Try to express them and speak your mind to those persons who are not treating you well. Better than bottling up your feelings, because if you do that you might lose control and end up punching someone or worse...

It would also be great for your health (both physical and mental) if you indulge in some type of sport - like karate, kick-boxing etc... something vigorous which would help you vent out the energy. My fostered-brother's got ADHD and sports does him a lot of good - it prevents him from venting his frustrations elsewhere and doing harm to stuff or himself (he's very severely ADHD and got a lot of mental troubles because his biological mum abused heroin and cocaine when pregnant with him... he's 15 with a mental age of 8 and hasn't managed to learn a thing at school even though my parents gave every bit of themselves to help him out).
You might not feel in the mood for taking up a sport, but remember - what happened is not your fault whatsoever - you are right and justified in feeling very angry and sad, and sport will give you the opportunity of channelling your anger in a healthy way.

You're definitely 'not beyond saving yourself' - but you must believe that you can do it first. If you don't have faith in youself you won't succeed.
If you're not having support from your real-life "friends", try to find another group of friends, perhaps you can find a group of guys with similar issues to yours (it helps so that you can share) and so can help each other.

It goes without saying but try hard not to 'escape' reality by taking alcohol or drugs (except those prescribed for you obviously) - I say so because it's hard resisting in difficult times but it's the worse thing one can do.

Good luck, feel free to pm me anytime if you want.
(toast)

[Wile E]

I am also very Bipolar, fit. I also had a fucked up childhood, also had 2 kids to a whore of an Ex-girlfriend (and then a 3rd to another girl, but that's unrelated), and also hit this same kind of rut in my life.

Trying to do what's best for my kids, and realizing that I don't want them to have the same problems as I did while growing up motivated me to turn my life around.

You are going to school, so that's at least one step in the right direction.

As far as my Bipolar disorder, I'm not even on meds anymore. For me, they actually did more harm than good at times. Being an emotional zombie fucked my social life over. Perhaps you need a med adjustment? You could actually be having too much given to you.

For venting, I took Muay Thai classes. Nothing like good, old-fashioned brutality to vent some frustrations. lol.

[Fitseries3]

i've only taken the meds on the worst days.

after reading your guys replies i had a tear or 2 so i think im getting somewhere.

call me crazy but i typed a letter to DR. Phil today. didnt send it yet though. idk why im waiting. i guess im not ready for a HUGE intervention yet.

my problem is i have no morals. i dont think anything is wrong or against the law. i would do almost anything if i wanted to. i would rape a girl, kill someone, blow up some shit for fun you name it i'd do it. but its TERRIBLE! i cant believe i would do it... but theres nothing in my head to say thats not ok.

the ONLY thing in life that hurts me and gets me going like i am now is sex. let me explain...
i feel that if im with someone and have had kids with them then they are MINE. sexually, mentally, physically. not in a "i own you" sorta way but more as " im fine with anything as long as someone doesnt have sex with you or do sexual things with you". i think this leads back to the sexual abuse or neglect.

the fact that she is going to fuck someone else drives me insane. shes talking to this guy right now and im SO pissed.

[El Fiendo]

i would rape a girl, kill someone, blow up some shit for fun you name it i'd do it. but its TERRIBLE! i cant believe i would do it...

Bold == morals.

MY brand of advice may not be welcome, but they helped in the past.

WlBiLNN1NhQ

buqtdpuZxvk

[Wile E]

i've only taken the meds on the worst days.

after reading your guys replies i had a tear or 2 so i think im getting somewhere.

call me crazy but i typed a letter to DR. Phil today. didnt send it yet though. idk why im waiting. i guess im not ready for a HUGE intervention yet.

my problem is i have no morals. i dont think anything is wrong or against the law. i would do almost anything if i wanted to. i would rape a girl, kill someone, blow up some shit for fun you name it i'd do it. but its TERRIBLE! i cant believe i would do it... but theres nothing in my head to say thats not ok.

the ONLY thing in life that hurts me and gets me going like i am now is sex. let me explain...
i feel that if im with someone and have had kids with them then they are MINE. sexually, mentally, physically. not in a "i own you" sorta way but more as " im fine with anything as long as someone doesnt have sex with you or do sexual things with you". i think this leads back to the sexual abuse or neglect.

the fact that she is going to fuck someone else drives me insane. shes talking to this guy right now and im SO pissed.

Well, being pissed about it is only natural. Nobody can blame you for that. I'd be pissed as hell, as would 90% of everybody else here, I'm sure.

As far as not feeling right and wrong, you are mistaken. You saying it's terrible you feel that way already proves that you don't feel the way you claim. That's just anger speaking. Been there done that, my friend.

As far as your meds, only taking on bad days doesn't work. You have to take them every day, as they need to build up in your system to work properly. Missing every once in a while doesn't hurt, but missing consistently does. This could be a simple case of you being under-medicated right now, actually. Well, along with being really pissed off, for which I certainly don't blame you.

Who owns the house, or who's name is on your lease?

[Fitseries3]

its all hers. i just live here.

[[I.R.A]_FBi]

Wash urself up
Get sumpn to eat
Find someone who you think cares and talk

[Wile E]

Ah fuck. That complicates matters. If it was yours, I would've told you to get a job, then kick her to the curb.

Well, the next best thing is to get a job, and then get an apartment or something of your own, and try to be the one to have the kids, tho I don't know how easily she would give them up.

Raising kids in a split family is hard, and hard on them, but it's a hell of a lot better than being in an emotionally oppressive or emotionally charged household.

[jmcslob]

i've only taken the meds on the worst days.

after reading your guys replies i had a tear or 2 so i think im getting somewhere.

call me crazy but i typed a letter to DR. Phil today. didnt send it yet though. idk why im waiting. i guess im not ready for a HUGE intervention yet.

my problem is i have no morals. i dont think anything is wrong or against the law. i would do almost anything if i wanted to. i would rape a girl, kill someone, blow up some shit for fun you name it i'd do it. but its TERRIBLE! i cant believe i would do it... but theres nothing in my head to say thats not ok.

the ONLY thing in life that hurts me and gets me going like i am now is sex. let me explain...
i feel that if im with someone and have had kids with them then they are MINE. sexually, mentally, physically. not in a "i own you" sorta way but more as " im fine with anything as long as someone doesnt have sex with you or do sexual things with you". i think this leads back to the sexual abuse or neglect.

the fact that she is going to fuck someone else drives me insane. shes talking to this guy right now and im SO pissed.
Fits Here is the best advice i can give ya...
"Prison is a Good deterrent" say it before you act...
I can't tell you how many times the thought of being in prison was what got me through some of the worst things...

Honestly it doesn't take any morals to want to be outside of a cage

and take your meds as ordered so they can be adjusted as needed...Taking them wrong can make things much worse

and you have every right to be pissed... remember that.....
A wrong is a wrong...Just don't make it worse with another wrong k

[Fitseries3]

thanks.

i never want to go to prison. you are right about that.

what i meant by that is that i would go down fighting before i would sit back and take it to the face. the problem is i fight in the wrong situations.

[Ozzmanfloyd120]

PMed.

[T3hPwn3r3r]

I firmly believe that 99% of the time you are diagnosed with mental illness that it's entire bullshit.

I've lived my entire life by this line:
Don't let it get to you and it won't!

You've got to understand that anyone who wrongs you isn't worth your time.

Anything else that happens, well, that's still life.



If all else fails... Have some cerveza and forget all about it!

[paulieg]

Hey fits. I know we haven't alway got along, but... I've had many of the same life experiences that you've had. Luckily, about 10 years ago I found my way out of all the crap, and now life is pretty good. I've also worked professionally with many people in your situation as a crisis counselor, and I'm married to a psychologist. So, if you ever need to talk, send me a PM. One last thing. Are you currently seeing any kind of a therapist? I'd strongly suggest that and taking your meds correctly. I understand ADHD and bipolar VERY well, and I KNOW that if you don't take those meds as described, they will not work.

[FordGT90Concept]

I firmly believe that 99% of the time you are diagnosed with mental illness that it's entire bullshit.
Being diagnosed is merely a label for symptoms. I've been diagnosed with a lot of things (accurately) but did they make me who I was? No, I was that way before the diagnosis. Being diagnosed basically means to me that what I face is not an unknown quantity and there are others with the same condition (but not all conditions). It is unifying but at the same time, I find my uniqueness which keeps me semi-sane. :)

Said differently: the diagnosis describes certain traits of me but I do not let that diagnosis change me. I am who I am and that is all I aspire to be.

[mlee49]

Fit, sorry to hear about all these things. Sometimes it piles up until you cant take it anymore, and thats when something really bad can happen. I hope you place your kids as PRIORITY #1 and let everything fall into place behind that. They need a stable father to guide them far more than your needs. So do what it takes to be apart of their lives and become the father you should be.

I've read the other comments about seeking therapy and I completely agree. There are many free services by the state and county for mental well being. Sometimes it shit's just too far gone, they may choose to take you in for a week or two to help set you straight and help put you on a good path with goals, family, and your mental well being in mind.

I think another good alternative to therapy may be seeking help from a pastor. I know it's taboo to talk about God on the internet but it can help. Talking to a local pastor or even going to church may help get your morals back. It can definitely help place things in perspective for almost anyone, especially those that see their life fading. It has for me many times. Who knows, perhaps a local church group could help with your situation and assist in the process of getting your life back on track.


Fit, best of luck man. I know it's hard seeing the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes but it's still there. Hang in there and remember to enjoy life.

[btarunr]

Press the tiny reset button. First get back in shape. Reorganize your finances if needed. Spend more towards nutrition and physical fitness. Keep yourself active all the while. Make yourself subordinated to something, teach yourself that sometimes thinking that you're always right isn't going to work out. Learn to say no to petty wants and plan ahead. Good luck.

[jmcslob]

thanks.

i never want to go to prison. you are right about that.

what i meant by that is that i would go down fighting before i would sit back and take it to the face. the problem is i fight in the wrong situations.
I know what you mean there....

For what it's worth..
I am so sorry...

Nobody should have to go what you went through, and though some of us can have an idea of what you went through, only you truly know how it affected you.

One thing you have to try to keep in mind is, Not everything that happened is happening now. Try to keep the past the past and the present the present.
Try to Focus on only the present events, i know it's not easy, your probably gonna need some help doing that.

Personally, I don't drink or smoke when something is bothering me, I like to have fun when I drink or smoke, and it helps me keep a clear head to where I'm at.

I really do wish i was there to talk to you in person.
I guarantee I wouldn't think you are a scary person.

You may not remember, but you have helped me out a few times.
And i would like to say thank you for that...

Now, if you wouldn't mind I'm gonna ask you another favor....

Could you keep posting, about how you are doing, even after things get worked out, and they will eventually, PLEASE?

[dcf-joe]

Have you seriously considered God. I am not kidding, and this may sound really awkward posting this in such a thread, but I firmly believe and recognize that my life has noticeably changed for the better after finding God.

[Fitseries3]

really... today im feeling great but that doesnt mean that it wont change in a heartbeat.

i have alot of other things im involved in right now and they are keeping me busy because i got behind due to all this crap bearing down on me.

im trying to get my kids some stuff for xmas today. im also working on a few reviews for TPU that need to be done before xmas. believe me, reviews take alot of work.

i remember almost everyone i've helped over the past 2+ years and what they needed help with. i LOVE to help and thats 90% of the reason im on these forums in the first place. in the beginning i needed the help but now i help others through things i've dealt with before and i still occasionally have issues that arrise that I TOO need help with. im not afraid to admit that im far from being a "know it all" and im always on a learning quest. its fun to learn :D

in person i am a really nice, caring individual. im not mean at all and you would never see any of this "bad" stuff i talk about here from talking to me in person.

out of all of you, mlee49 is the only person whos met me in person. i cannot speak on what his view of me is but i don't think its negative at all. he does live local to me(sorta, if you consider ~70miles is local lol!) and im sure if our schedules didn't conflict we could get together for an OCing or gaming session along with a few other local members. im slowly gaining my passion for PC's back even though im not exactly excited as right now i feel as if there is nothing new worth my time... or money.

[momentomoir]

hey im probably the last person to give advice atm ive been going through alot of bull shit lately
and this thread is kinda giving me ideas maybe working out more might help me itll get my mind away from shit

but i know what it feels like nothing you use to enjoy brings you joy and being in a fucked up relationship wont help you feel any better

looking for a job isnt that fun atm but theres some places still hiring for holiday hire so u could go and find one

i cant believe im saying this but sell some pc stuff and use that money to save up and move out

[jmcslob]

really... today im feeling great but that doesnt mean that it wont change in a heartbeat.

i have alot of other things im involved in right now and they are keeping me busy because i got behind due to all this crap bearing down on me.

im trying to get my kids some stuff for xmas today. im also working on a few reviews for TPU that need to be done before xmas. believe me, reviews take alot of work.

i remember almost everyone i've helped over the past 2+ years and what they needed help with. i LOVE to help and thats 90% of the reason im on these forums in the first place. in the beginning i needed the help but now i help others through things i've dealt with before and i still occasionally have issues that arrise that I TOO need help with. im not afraid to admit that im far from being a "know it all" and im always on a learning quest. its fun to learn :D

in person i am a really nice, caring individual. im not mean at all and you would never see any of this "bad" stuff i talk about here from talking to me in person.

out of all of you, mlee49 is the only person whos met me in person. i cannot speak on what his view of me is but i don't think its negative at all. he does live local to me(sorta, if you consider ~70miles is local lol!) and im sure if our schedules didn't conflict we could get together for an OCing or gaming session along with a few other local members. im slowly gaining my passion for PC's back even though im not exactly excited as right now i feel as if there is nothing new worth my time... or money.
I'm happy to hear things are going good today, it's a good thing to keep yourself busy for awhile while you slowly get things in order for yourself.

It'll take time so don't get discouraged, but i'm sure you already know that.

I'm sure in person you are quite nice, just as i'm sure, there are only a very few people who really know you.

and I can't wait to see your reviews.....

[mlee49]

and i can't wait to see your reviews.....

+1 :)

[FreedomEclipse]

The best solution that comes to my mind would be to leave EVERYTHING behind and start over. Although that would be difficult to accomplish. And maybe its not even the right choice. But if you're stuck like you say, you need to go back to the beginning and take the other way. I'm no psycologist in any way, so my thoughts could be complete bullshit, but thats what I would do.

+1

not the best solution available but in order for things to get better, sacrifices must be made.

Its not the same as running away from your troubles - dont let ANYONE ever tell you that! It takes real guts to make a stand, throw away all the shit & move forward. Even though you may not know where you're heading or anything about the new life that awaits you - the challenge will make you a better person & you will be a stronger inside mentally to the point where you can look back at all of it & laugh.

be strong bro. dont let shadows cloud your mind.

[Fitseries3]

im so fucked....

this hasnt gotten any better.

i need someone else to step in... i dont have the power to fix things anymore

[paulieg]

im so fucked....

this hasnt gotten any better.

i need someone else to step in... i dont have the power to fix things anymore

Fits, I told you before...go see a therapist. The local crisis center or mental health clinic cannot turn you away despite ability to pay. You need to see someone, and you need to be taking your medications as prescribed.

You need to do these things BEFORE addressing any of your specific problems. You are NOT equiped to handle them until you do the above.

[MRCL]

Fits, I told you before...go see a therapist. The local crisis center or mental health clinic cannot turn you away despite ability to pay. You need to see someone, and you need to be taking your medications as prescribed.

You need to do these things BEFORE address any of your problems. You are NOT equiped to handle them until you do the above.

Damn straight. If you know you can't handle it yourself, you need someone who knows what he's doing to help you. And, it has to be said, it is not a sign of weakness to let somebody help you.

[Black Panther]

Paulie and MRCL are definitely right.
After all you are acknowledging that you need 'someone else to step in'.
Is there something holding you back? If so, what and why? I'm asking because for your own good there shouldn't be.
People are here on this world to help each other and try to make life here a better place.

I told you before that my pm box is always open for you if you seek to vent or ask something, or even if you want just to talk. I'm pretty sure everyone else here means the same as well.

But we here have our limitations - these limitations aren't there because we make them, but are there because no one here is professional enough, or even if so can be close enough in communicating, to offer tangible help. ie we can't see you, can't see your facial expressions, can't hear your actual voice and in which manner you thus describe the problem...

When you're with a professional person face-to-face it's a different matter altogether and you'd get the service you need.

[Reventon]

Here is something to keep in mind Fit - everyone who has replied to this thread cares about you. I don't know if that helps, but you don't notice things like that.

[warup89]

i kinda skimmed trough the main points of your post....

-what you need is to take control. Right now bad memories and low thoughts are controlling you, all is on the mind my friend. Im telling you from experience.

-What you need to do, is to learn how to take control....even by force. I learned that by joining the military, of course there are other ways but thats the one i know.

=-good luck-=

[WhiteNoise]

My close friend has an older brother that is Bipolar and let me tell you; I've known him for the better part of 17 years now. He's a real nice guy most of the time and is very giving of his time and knowledge (he's very Intelligent.) The problem is though he will do well with his meds for quite awhile and then he starts to think hes fine and doesn't need them and next thing we know he's kicking down his parents bedroom door and wanting to kill someone. He doesn't have any friends any longer because of how he acts and I know it depresses him but at the same time he can be scarey. Just the way he looks at me sometimes I start to wonder what he's thinking. He's admitted that he thinks of very evil things when he is not on his meds or when he doesn't take his meds properly.

I guess my point is you know you have these issues and there is help out there for you. Try different meds...look into alternative solutions from your Doctor. I know my Buddy's brother can be quite nice and a pleasure to be around when he sticks to what the doctors tell him to.

Also staying away from bad influences is a must and you absolutely have to get out of that apartment with your ex. That shit is not going to help you get better. Its going to only make things worse and suck you way down into a place you don't want to be.

Obviously you need to sit down with a Therapist. Proper meds, a therapist and eating, sleeping, and keeping yourself clean with go a long ways into making you feel better.

Good luck.