Crazy jokes thread II!

[h3llb3nd4]

Post all your jokes here!

[h3llb3nd4]

I'll start...
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger lept toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"

[DrPepper]

How did the pig cross the road ?

The swine flu.

[3991v]

What's funnier than a dead baby?

- A dead baby in a clown suit

Whats funnier than a dead baby in a clown suit?

- 2 dead babies in clown suits

:D

[Olithereal]

What's funnier than a dead baby?

- A dead baby in a clown suit

Whats funnier than a dead baby in a clown suit?

- 2 dead babies in clown suits

:D
More like One dead baby in two clown suits.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?

Depends on how much power you throw them with.

What's funnier than a baby going down a cliff?

Stopping him with a shovel.

[3991v]

What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window?


- a baby in the microwave. XD

[pepsi71ocean]

Found
On
Road
Dead

Laughing
My
Ass
Off

[Wile E]

Constantly
Having
Every
Vehicle
Emphatically
Recalled
Over
Lousy
Engineering
Techniques

Dead
Or
Dying
Garbage
Emitter

First
On
Race
Day

[3991v]

Constantly
Having
Every
Vehicle
Emphatically
Recalled
Over
Lousy
Engineering
Techniques

Dead
Or
Dying
Garbage
Emitter

First
On
Race
Day
What about Dodge mopars? :(

[Wile E]

What about Dodge mopars? :(

Dodge is in there. Mopar is just their aftermarket/racing division. They don't actually build production cars.

But here you go anyway.

Mostly
Old
Paint
And
Rust

[RevengE]

SRT Baby! Not. Alot of my friends have SRT-4s.

[Wile E]

SRT Baby! Not. Alot of my friends have SRT-4s.

No matter what you call it, it's still a Neon. lol. The only thing good on those is the short block.

[T3hPwn3r3r]

What about Volkswagen?

Alfa Romeo?

Koenigsegg!??!

[Wile E]

What about Volkswagen?

Alfa Romeo?

Koenigsegg!??!

Don't have any for those. Very Worthless for VW is the best I can do.

[sheps999]

What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window?


- a baby in the microwave. XD

What green, bubbly, and scratches at the window?

Same baby six months later.


What's worse than ten babies nailed to a tree?

One baby nailed to ten trees.


Two elephants and a cymbal fall off a cliff.

Ba-dum tschh.

[Religizalla]

How do you get a dead baby in a bowl?

A blender.

How do you get it out?

Tortilla chips.

[Bow]

ALL RESPECTS TO BLONDES BUT THESE ARE TO GOOD NOT TO SHARE EVERYONE NEEDS A LAUGH.....

---

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?'

The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'



CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'



SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'



RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'



AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;

Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'



KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'



BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'



IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'

She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'



FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO.....,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'

[sheps999]

What's blue and doesn't fit?

A dead epileptic.


How do you make a dead baby float

Take your foot off it's head.


What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?

When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.

[3991v]

How do you make a dead baby float?

Two scoops of ice cream and a dead baby!

[Bow]

A little girl is taking a bath with her mother when she sees her mothers bush she asks " mommy what is that" her mother says" thats my sponge". The little girl says oh ok the babysitter has one also I saw her washing daddys face wit it.:eek:

[h3llb3nd4]

Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a Yankees cap. The guy in the Yankees cap approaches the bartender and make a bet: "I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop."

The bartender laughs and says, "You're crazy, but you're on."

The man positions a shot glass on one end, walks to the other end and unzips his fly. He then pisses everywhere -- all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over the bartender. The bartender roars with laughter and tells the man to pay up.

The guy in the Yankees cap pays up, laughing and smiling, too.

"What are you smiling at?" asks the bartender. "You just lost $1,000!"

"Well, you see that guy in the cowboy hat over there crying? Before we came in, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your liquor AND you, and not only would you not be mad -- you would laugh hysterically about it!"

[h3llb3nd4]

-- It is always possible to park directly in front of any building you are visiting.-- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.-- If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.-- Most laptops are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.-- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts -- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.-- After a person suffers a massive blow to the head, they will still be surprisingly good looking.-- No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.-- Partnering police officers with their total opposites will always, eventually, lead to buddy teams who share unbreakable bonds and gruff affection.

[h3llb3nd4]

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip. He hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place where he can get a pizza.

The concierge tells him he will call for delivery to his room and takes his order.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up. The businessman takes the pizza and starts sneezing uncontrollably.

He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "Just what you ordered -- pepper only."

[h3llb3nd4]

A teacher asks the new student her name. The girl replies, "Happy Butt."

The teacher says, "I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."

The girl goes to the principal's office and he asks, "What's your name?" The little girl says, "Happy Butt."

The principal calls the girl's mother to get the truth. After getting off the phone, he says, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt."

The girl exclaims, "Glad Ass -- Happy Butt -- what's the difference?"

[h3llb3nd4]

Two men debate whether Hawaii is pronounced "HaVaii" or "HaWaii."

They ask a passerby, who answers "Havaii."

"Thank you," says the satisfied first man.

"You're velcome," replies the passerby.

[h3llb3nd4]

A girl invites her boyfriend over for dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner she wants to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but nervous because he's a virgin. He goes to the pharmacy to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist his situation and asks for advice. The pharmacist tells him everything there is to know about sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack or a 10-pack. The boy says he feels lucky and insists on the 10-pack.

That night, the boy shows up for dinner a little late. His girlfriend meets him at the door leads him straight to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy sits down, quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still silent with his head down. Five minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 10 minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boy, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[h3llb3nd4]

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. What are you -- stupid?

[h3llb3nd4]

I'm a little sore 'cause a couple of days back I got into a car accident -- not my fault. Even if it's not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it's your fault. 'Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80?!'

[h3llb3nd4]

A guy goes to the psychiatrist only wearing shorts made of Glad wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

[3991v]

there's a black guy & a mexican in a car.. who's driving?

the cops

[h3llb3nd4]

Q: What is the dirtiest thing ever said on television?

A: "Ward, I think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night."

[h3llb3nd4]

Q: What comes with the new Divorced Barbie doll?

A: All Ken's stuff.

[h3llb3nd4]

Q: Why's Fred Flintstone a homosexual?

A: He's always having a gay old time.

[h3llb3nd4]

On Father's Day, a little boy decides to make his dad breakfast in bed. He makes scrambled eggs, toast and coffee. He brings it into his dad, hands him the cup of coffee and says,''Try it dad.'' The dad takes a sip and nearly passes out because it is so strong. The little boy asks,''How do you like it Dad?'' The dad doesn't want to hurt the little boy's feelings so he says, ''This is....something else, I've never tasted coffee quite like this before, Son.'' The little boy smiles from ear to ear. And says, ''Drink some more Pops.'' As the dad is drinking, he notices two army men in the bottom of the cup, and says,''Hey! Why did you put army men in here?'' The little boy again smiles and sings,''The Best Part Of Waking Up, Is SOLDIERS In Your Cup.''

The dad takes a sip and nearly passes out because it is so strong. The little boy asks,''How do you like it Dad?''

The dad doesn't want to hurt the little boy's feelings so he says, ''This is....something else, I've never tasted coffee quite like this before, Son.''

The little boy smiles from ear to ear. And says, ''Drink some more Pops.''

As the dad is drinking, he notices two army men in the bottom of the cup, and says,''Hey! Why did you put army men in here?''

The little boy again smiles and sings,''The Best Part Of Waking Up, Is SOLDIERS In Your Cup.'

[El_Mayo]

-- It is always possible to park directly in front of any building you are visiting.-- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.-- If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.-- Most laptops are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.-- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts -- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.-- After a person suffers a massive blow to the head, they will still be surprisingly good looking.-- No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.-- Partnering police officers with their total opposites will always, eventually, lead to buddy teams who share unbreakable bonds and gruff affection.

what we've learned from the movies?

[roque66]

A very nervous bride miff with her husband since the night of the wedding he threw it a little too inquest.
The girl says:
On-demand ways cama. As on the table!
He throws up in bed, smiling at her and asks:
-Okay, so is better?
-Yes.
-Good, you do not mind, I pass the vagina, please?

:D

a monk plead for the priest says:
Father, I make love with a black in a dark room, it is sin?
Father replied:
-No, my son, is shot!

:D

There are three kids (one French, one English and one Portuguese) to discuss,
French says:
- My father is the fastest of all. It is and will pilot the Concorde from Paris to New York in 3 hours!
The English disagrees:
- Wrong! My father is the fastest. It is pilot of F1 and reaches 300 km / h in 10 seconds!
Finally comes the turn of the Portuguese:
- Well, your parents are some slugs, compared it with my public official. Get off work at 5 this afternoon at 4 and is already home!

:D


Angered by his students, the teacher issued a challenge.
- He who is stupid judge, please to stand.
All remained seated. A few minutes later, there is Jack.
- You mean you think stupid? The teacher asked, indignant.
- Well, to tell the truth, no! But I have pity to see you
there, standing alone!

:D

for start...i put this ones....sorry my english...google help it to translate :D

[T3hPwn3r3r]

How do you get a Jewish girl's number?

Roll up her sleeve.

[T3hPwn3r3r]

A very nervous bride miff with her husband since the night of the wedding he threw it a little too inquest.
The girl says:
On-demand ways cama. As on the table!
He throws up in bed, smiling at her and asks:
-Okay, so is better?
-Yes.
-Good, you do not mind, I pass the vagina, please?

:D

a monk plead for the priest says:
Father, I make love with a black in a dark room, it is sin?
Father replied:
-No, my son, is shot!

:D

There are three kids (one French, one English and one Portuguese) to discuss,
French says:
- My father is the fastest of all. It is and will pilot the Concorde from Paris to New York in 3 hours!
The English disagrees:
- Wrong! My father is the fastest. It is pilot of F1 and reaches 300 km / h in 10 seconds!
Finally comes the turn of the Portuguese:
- Well, your parents are some slugs, compared it with my public official. Get off work at 5 this afternoon at 4 and is already home!

:D


Angered by his students, the teacher issued a challenge.
- He who is stupid judge, please to stand.
All remained seated. A few minutes later, there is Jack.
- You mean you think stupid? The teacher asked, indignant.
- Well, to tell the truth, no! But I have pity to see you
there, standing alone!

:D

for start...i put this ones....sorry my english...google help it to translate :D

What is your original language?

If it is Spanish or German - post it in that instead and I will translate.

[roque66]

What is your original language?

If it is Spanish or German - post it in that instead and I will translate.

Portuguese ;)

[shelbomb22]

k i gots 1


ok, so a blonde girl goes to the store to buy a tv, she goes to the counter

excuese me how much for this tv

he replies sorry we dont serve blondes.

so she goes home and dies her hair brown, she goes back

she gets the same response from the cashier about the "tv
"

so she goes home and dies her hair green:]

she goes back and gets the same respones
then she looks down at the "tv" and realises that it waz a microwave! i no it waz cheezey

[h3llb3nd4]

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

[Spd Frk]

Whats the main difference between preists and pimples? The pimples come on your face after you're 12.

[Black Panther]

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," She replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

*****************

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

*****************
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

*****************

How do these people seek a wife?

FISHERMAN
Wife wanted, must be able to dig, clean, cook worms and clean fish. Must have own boat with motor. Please send photograph of motorboat.

SALESMAN
Once in a lifetime offer, to get yourself the original, genuine article. One of the most handsome and smartest bachelor's around is now looking for a wife. And you could be the lucky one he chooses! Has own house, car and successful career!

ECONOMIST
I am in demand of a wife. Supply is great though my requirements are high. However the Elasticity of my demands should not bear too heavy a burden upon the national interest.

MATHEMATICIAN
Wife required to complete the formula of my life. Must be numerate and understand complex algebraic logarithms. Needed to help further my family unit.

IT CONSULTANT
Well there is definite room for improvement in my life. The speed of my current flows of information and processes is slowing down and the injection of a wife into my life is bound to improve efficiency. Compatibility could be an issue.

BUSINESS MAN
Wife wanted for company.

POLITICIAN
I feel there is a need in this world, to improve the ways we live, to harmonize the processes of life and to build upon past differences and short comings. I believe that we the people need someone to share our lives. To feel the joys of parent hood, and bear the social responsibilities, as we should in a civilized society................. (etc etc and never getting to the point)

CAR DEALER
Wanted a sturdy, reliable, low depreciating wife. Should be in excellent working condition.

FARMER
Wanted a wife from good stock. Required for breading.

LAWYER
I hereby propose to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of wife after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly -a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl, with evidence to support this view that she is a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself. Any objections would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in limited confidence as all liabilities are null and
void in the event of failure on our part of any kind whatsoever.

PILOT
Wife required to complete my life. Please only level headed applicants. She must not have her heads in the clouds, but have her feet firmly on the ground. Her heart must be in it for the long haul. And she absolutely must also be aerodynamically sound!!!

BANKER
Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.

SHIRABI
Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a drinks factory. I am an occasional alcoholic who drinks only when friends come round. Friends come round only seven times a week. Girl preferred who can carry me from bar to ghar-bar. Meet personally in a bar or send drinks for trial. Sample should be ample.

MINICAB DRIVER
Hello! Hello! number 9 calling. This is number 9 I'm calling from base, erm a wife is needed for pick me up. Driving license not necessary, but map reading
skills are a bonus.

BUILDER
Wanted a wife to help build upon the foundations of my life. Must be homely and willing to build relationship from the ground up.

DOCTOR
I am looking for a wife to cure the emptiness in my life. However if you feel the need for a second opinion then it's fine by me.

ARMY COMMANDO
My mission in life is to find myself the perfect wife. Successful applicants must be able to use a penknife and a compass. She who dares wins. Camouflage provided.

[Black Panther]

A fourth son was born in the home of an Indian family. The father invited his friend to join the celebration and choose a name for the newborn child.

"What names have you given to the three elder boys?" asked the friend.

"One is Rahmat Elahi-(by God's kindness), the second Barkat Elahi (by God's grace) and the third Mahbub Elahi (beloved of God)," replied the proud father.

The friend pondered over the names for a while and replied, "I suggest you name your fourth son, Bas Kar Elahi (God that is enough)."

[Black Panther]

10 stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations and some equally stupid answers:-

1.At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends
Stupid Question:-Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:-Well, it's so hot , there were no cool cabs so I thought I'd watch some advertisements in the cool comfort of the theatre.

2.In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet
Stupid Question:-Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again or should i try this time."

3.At a funeral:One of the teary-eyed people ask
Stupid Question:-Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:-Why? Would it rather have been you?

4.At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-Is the "blah blah blah" dish good
Answer:-No, its teribble and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.

5.At a family get-together. When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:-Oh wow, you've become so big.
Answer:-Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6.When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask
Stupid Question:-Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:-No, he's a miserable, wife-beating, insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7.When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call
Stupid Question:-Sorry, were you sleeping.
Answer:-No. I was playing basketball outside and was about to make a basket. What do you think?

8.When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair
Stupid Question:-Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:-No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9.At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth
Stupid Question:-Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:-And while I'm telling you, you tell me if I bite.

10.You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks
Stupid Question:-Oh, so you smoke
Answer:-No, it's a miracle ...........it was a chalk and now it's in flames!!!