anyone with good english?

[a111087]

Well, hello there! Some of you probably know me from original TPU forums and notices my english isn't that good.

So, I need occasional help when I need to get something perfectly right when it is absolutely critical.
So, can some one please read this through and offer any thoughts. I need this to sound somewhat elegant and, most of all, grammatically correct:

"I am looking for a long-term position and career development—according to professional achievements and bank's expanding business—with your company.
Self-actualization and enhancement of professional skills. Team work. Accumulating experience and knowledge about the financial system.
Would be glad to consider offers with probationary period."

Any help would be greatly appreciated! :)

[a111087]

Please, anyone?
just tell me if you see anything wrong in that text

[FordGT90Concept]

"I am looking for a long-term position and career development—according to professional achievements and bank's expanding business—with your company.
Self-actualization and enhancement of professional skills. Team work. Accumulating experience and knowledge about the financial system.
Would be glad to consider offers with probationary period."
"I am looking for a long-term position with your company" makes sense. "I am looking for a long-term position and career development—according to professional achievements and bank's expanding business—with your company" does not. There is too much information there for one sentence so it sound very fragmented. Moreover, most work places aren't looking for long term employees anymore except for the few highly skilled positions (doctorates and the like).

"Self-actualization and enhancement of professional skills." That is a fragment.

"Team work." That is another fragment.

"Accumulating experience and knowledge about the financial system." That is another fragment.

"Would be glad to consider offers with probationary period." Make that "I would be glad to consider positions with a probationary period."


A sentence needs a subject (who or what the sentence is about) and a predicate (what that who or what is doing). Without both parts, it is a fragment (an incomplete sentence).

[a111087]

Thanks GT!

[T3hPwn3r3r]

What is your first language? You've got excellent vocabulary, but your sentence formatting makes it seem like you learned after a native non-Romantic/Germanic language.

Either way, I'd reorder them a bit and work on your syntax:
"I am looking for career development through a long term position with your company."
"I would like to develop my professional skills by gaining experience working with the financial system and improving my general knowledge on economics."
"I am an individual who places a strong emphasis on team work and being the best I can be."

Also, be sure to tell them what you can offer them, not just what you wish them to do for you.

One last tip... Avoid the words "very", "extremely", "really".

Edit: Fixed!

[Chris]

"I am an individual who places a strong emphasis on team-work and being the best I can be."
Teamwork isn't linked with a hyphen.

[T3hPwn3r3r]

Yeah, my bad! I just woke up, sheesh, gimme a break.

Yes, I realize it is 3:04 PM.

Yes, I partied a bit hard last night >.<

[Chris]

team work
Teamwork is one word.

http://avatarfarm.com/forum/forumimages/wardisasterthread.jpg

[T3hPwn3r3r]

I've never seen it as one word... Odd.

[a111087]

What is your first language? You've got excellent vocabulary, but your sentence formatting makes it seem like you learned after a native non-Romantic/Germanic language.


My first language is Russian. Thanks for the tips! :D

[RevengE]

My first language is Russian. Thanks for the tips! :D
I always thought russian was an awesome language, I would love to learn it.

[a111087]

I always thought russian was an awesome language, I would love to learn it.

I guess. It is a good one. But song in russian don't sound so good, i think.

[Chris]

I guess. It is a good one. But song in russian don't sound so good, i think.
I think songs in any language other then English is pretty bad. You speak English pretty good for a primary Russian speaker.