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Old 05-01-2012, 03:50 AM   #551
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Heh, my mom's friend had a black eye the other day. I looked at her and said, "Well, that's what happens when you leave the kitchen."
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Old 05-01-2012, 03:52 AM   #552
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It was either nothing or both a thanks and a no thanks - your call.
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Old 05-01-2012, 04:03 AM   #553
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I'll take both please.
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"Oh come on. Quit making excuses already.
Even in a weird position, and doing it manualy, it only takes a couple of minutes.
You are just being OCD about it or something." - Wile E

"OMG the chair I'm sitting on! It has a penus!! " - Black Panther

"Signatures should not contain quotes. It makes no sense." - DanTheBanjoman


I doesnt afraid of anything!
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Old 05-01-2012, 04:08 AM   #554
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I'll take both please.
And so shall it be young adventurer.
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Old 05-01-2012, 08:39 PM   #555
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I'm not saying my mate has a bad stammer, but he went to the shop to buy a Mars bar and came out with 35 packets of M&M's..
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Originally Posted by DanTheBanjoman View Post
My pheromones attract women and pets.
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I have had a lot of sex over the years but I have never had an orgasm so good it went digital. Maybe I'm doing it wrong?
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Old 05-03-2012, 08:33 PM   #556
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Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DanTheBanjoman View Post
My pheromones attract women and pets.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheMailMan View Post
I have had a lot of sex over the years but I have never had an orgasm so good it went digital. Maybe I'm doing it wrong?
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Old 05-03-2012, 10:25 PM   #557
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A daughter asked her dad

"Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me,
that I didn't understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, 2 lovely airbags
and a fantastic bumper."

Dad says "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and pulls out his
dipstick to check the oil, I will give him such a service that his motor will cease and his exhaust will fall off"


_________________________


A mother is 21 years older than the child.
6 years from now the mother will be 5 times as old as the child.

QUESTION : Where's the father?

(Try first, before you check the answer below.)





.















.














....












..............

SOLUTION:
The mother is 21 years older than the child.
M = C + 21

In 6 years from now the mum will be 5 times as old as the child.
... M + 6 = (C + 6) x 5

Hence,
C + 21 + 6 = (C + 6) x 5
C + 27 = 5C + 30
-3 = 4C
C = -3/4

The child is -3/4 years old, that is, it'll be born in 9 months.
Thus, by mathematical deduction... right now, the father is on top of the mother.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DanTheBanjoman View Post
My pheromones attract women and pets.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheMailMan View Post
I have had a lot of sex over the years but I have never had an orgasm so good it went digital. Maybe I'm doing it wrong?

Last edited by Black Panther; 05-03-2012 at 10:30 PM.
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Old 05-04-2012, 05:52 PM   #558
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Blonde... men

A man arrives home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to discover his wife lying naked on the bed, sweating and panting heavily.

"What's going on?" he asks.

"I think I'm having a heart attack," she cries.

"Oh no!" he gasps, but as he rushes back down the stairs to ring for an ambulance, he bumps into his five-year-old son.

"Daddy, daddy!" says the little boy excitedly. "Uncle Ted's upstairs in the wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"

"What!" roars the man and storms back up the stairs to the bedroom. He opens the wardrobe door and sure enough, Uncle Ted is standing there naked.

"You bastard, you bloody prat!" he screams. "How could you? There's my wife on the bed having a heart attack and all you can do is run around naked, playing hide and seek with the kids?!?"

_____________________________________

Three engineers -- an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer -- are driving along in a car. Suddenly the car stalls and stops by the side of the road. The three engineers look at each other, totally at a loss.

The electrical engineer, not knowing much about mechanics, suggests, "Let's strip down the electronics of the car and try to trace where a fault might have occurred."

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about electronics, suggests, "Maybe the fuel has become emulsified and is causing a blockage somewhere in the system."

The Microsoft engineer suggests, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it will work."

______________________________________


A man happened to pass an old antique shop, he saw an interesting old pair of glasses. The owner told him "They're very special glasses because when you look through them you see everyone naked". The man tried them on and gasped - there was the owner standing there completely naked and on looking out of the window he saw all the passers-by naked as well!

"I'll have them!" he said, "no matter what the cost".

So having purchased the unique spectacles, the man decided to go home and show his wife what he had bought before going to work. He arrived home, entered the house, put on the glasses and walked into the front room. Sitting on the sofa was his wife and Mr.Brown from next door, both of them completely naked.

"Hello, it's me!" he said, taking off the glasses.

But the couple on the sofa remained naked.

"Oh no!" complained the man, "$500 I paid for these and they're knackered already!"
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DanTheBanjoman View Post
My pheromones attract women and pets.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheMailMan View Post
I have had a lot of sex over the years but I have never had an orgasm so good it went digital. Maybe I'm doing it wrong?
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Old 05-04-2012, 07:20 PM   #559
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oh BP you crack me up. lol. g'nyt!
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Old 05-04-2012, 09:43 PM   #560
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The guidance counselor just came in the office and said "May the 4th be with you." It made me lol.
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Old 05-04-2012, 10:56 PM   #561
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Black Panther View Post
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
Nice one BP

What do you call an angry German?






































Sauerkraut
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You can't fix stupid!
Book's: They're good for you.
Es ist der Sandmann! Wieder einschlafen.
Ignorant by choice, OR just plain fucking dumb?
E' meglio vivere un giorno da leone che cent'anni da pecora.
It's easier to be a genius than an idiot, genius is temporary idiocy is permanent.
I used to think people had something good to say, but then they started talking.
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Old 05-04-2012, 11:51 PM   #562
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Black Panther View Post
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
"wurst" is not pronounced with an uh like in "worse", but with an oo as in "tool".
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Old 05-05-2012, 06:24 AM   #563
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chevalr1c View Post
"wurst" is not pronounced with an uh like in "worse", but with an oo as in "tool".
We know this, since it is text and not speech it works
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You can't fix stupid!
Book's: They're good for you.
Es ist der Sandmann! Wieder einschlafen.
Ignorant by choice, OR just plain fucking dumb?
E' meglio vivere un giorno da leone che cent'anni da pecora.
It's easier to be a genius than an idiot, genius is temporary idiocy is permanent.
I used to think people had something good to say, but then they started talking.
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Old 05-05-2012, 06:44 AM   #564
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chevalr1c View Post
"wurst" is not pronounced with an uh like in "worse", but with an oo as in "tool".
ich no noob
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Old 05-06-2012, 11:57 PM   #565
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A liberal muslim homosexual ACLU lawyer professor and abortion doctor was teaching a class on Karl Marx, known atheist

”Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Marx and accept that he was the most highly-evolved being the world has ever known, even greater than Jesus Christ!”

At this moment, a brave, patriotic, pro-life Navy SEAL champion who had served 1500 tours of duty and understood the necessity of war and fully supported all military decision made by the United States stood up and held up a rock.

”How old is this rock, pinhead?”

The arrogant professor smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied “4.6 billion years, you stupid Christian”

”Wrong. It’s been 5,000 years since God created it. If it was 4.6 billion years old and evolution, as you say, is real… then it should be an animal now”

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of Origin of the Species. He stormed out of the room crying those liberal crocodile tears. The same tears liberals cry for the “poor” (who today live in such luxury that most own refrigerators) when they jealously try to claw justly earned wealth from the deserving job creators. There is no doubt that at this point our professor, DeShawn Washington, wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than a sophist liberal professor. He wished so much that he had a gun to shoot himself from embarrassment, but he himself had petitioned against them!

The students applauded and all registered Republican that day and accepted Jesus as their lord and savior. An eagle named “Small Government” flew into the room and perched atop the American Flag and shed a tear on the chalk. The pledge of allegiance was read several times, and God himself showed up and enacted a flat tax rate across the country.

The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of the gay plague AIDS and was tossed into the lake of fire for all eternity.

Semper Fi. p.s. close the borders
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You know what, Mike Bloomberg? F*CK YOU
...In a society governed passively by free markets and free elections, organized greed always defeats disorganized democracy.
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Old 05-07-2012, 05:54 PM   #566
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interesting though it would have been better if the professor was having anal sex in class and the marine cut off his lovers dick.
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1 WITCH. Thrice the brinded cat hath mew'd.
2 WITCH. Thrice and once, the hedge-pig whin'd.
3 WITCH. Harpier cries:—'tis time! 'tis time!
1 WITCH. Round about the caldron go;
In the poison'd entrails throw.—
Toad, that under cold stone,
Days and nights has thirty-one;
Swelter'd venom sleeping got,
Boil thou first i' the charmed pot!
ALL. Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and caldron bubble.
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Old 05-07-2012, 06:45 PM   #567
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Screaming Beaver View Post
A liberal muslim homosexual ACLU lawyer professor and abortion doctor was teaching a class on Karl Marx, known atheist

”Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Marx and accept that he was the most highly-evolved being the world has ever known, even greater than Jesus Christ!”

At this moment, a brave, patriotic, pro-life Navy SEAL champion who had served 1500 tours of duty and understood the necessity of war and fully supported all military decision made by the United States stood up and held up a rock.

”How old is this rock, pinhead?”

The arrogant professor smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied “4.6 billion years, you stupid Christian”

”Wrong. It’s been 5,000 years since God created it. If it was 4.6 billion years old and evolution, as you say, is real… then it should be an animal now”

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of Origin of the Species. He stormed out of the room crying those liberal crocodile tears. The same tears liberals cry for the “poor” (who today live in such luxury that most own refrigerators) when they jealously try to claw justly earned wealth from the deserving job creators. There is no doubt that at this point our professor, DeShawn Washington, wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than a sophist liberal professor. He wished so much that he had a gun to shoot himself from embarrassment, but he himself had petitioned against them!

The students applauded and all registered Republican that day and accepted Jesus as their lord and savior. An eagle named “Small Government” flew into the room and perched atop the American Flag and shed a tear on the chalk. The pledge of allegiance was read several times, and God himself showed up and enacted a flat tax rate across the country.

The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of the gay plague AIDS and was tossed into the lake of fire for all eternity.

Semper Fi. p.s. close the borders
the fuck did i just read?
or maybe its my fever
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Old 05-07-2012, 11:16 PM   #568
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the fuck did i just read?
or maybe its my fever
its something birthed on the wrong side of the internets
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Matt Taibbi Quotes
Morality is so trite
You know what, Mike Bloomberg? F*CK YOU
...In a society governed passively by free markets and free elections, organized greed always defeats disorganized democracy.
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Old 05-08-2012, 01:25 AM   #569
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its something birthed on the wrong side of the internets
Twilyth?
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Originally Posted by DanTheBanjoman View Post
Signatures should not contain quotes. It makes no sense.
Quote:
Originally Posted by theJesus View Post
faith is over-rated. Have too much and you get crucified
Quote:
Originally Posted by erocker View Post
THERE'S NO "k" IN MY NAME!!!
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Old 05-13-2012, 06:32 AM   #570
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So my MX518 powered off twice last night playing Saints Row IV. I think I'm finally ready to bid it farewell. .. KVM blah blah....
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stop being a bitch and get a G700
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Ford also has a KVM because he likes complaining about his mouse.
Catanery 6 cables and lots of
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Old 05-14-2012, 04:31 PM   #571
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3 blonde younger women were standing outside a nightclub. A guy passing by was looking to see if there was a queue.. There was none.

So he went up and asked them "Why don't you go inside?"
And one of the girls responded: -You have to be atleast 18 to come in.
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Old 05-19-2012, 06:25 PM   #572
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Boy: Did u hear that?
Girl: no.
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Boy: then you will smell it soon!
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(.(….(….(…./.)..)..(..(. \….)….)….).)

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Old 05-19-2012, 08:01 PM   #573
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Lame, I know. No, I don't really care...

Quote:
Originally Posted by de.das.dude View Post
Boy: Did u hear that?
Girl: no.
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Boy: then you will smell it soon!
Boy: Did u feel that?
Girl: no.
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Boy: then you will feel it in aprox. 9 months!
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Old 05-19-2012, 08:32 PM   #574
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A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
The judge said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.”
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Old 05-23-2012, 08:52 PM   #575
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A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis.

Obviously, he had to see a doctor. When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brothers card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him."

The guy says "Is your brother a doctor?"

"No," Doc replies, "he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
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