Joke

[Cuzza]

Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says:

"You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense that it carries you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but says nothing.

The second guy says, "What? Are you insane? There's no way in heck that could happen!"

"No, it's true," said the first man, "let me prove it to you."

He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man, who is astonished.

"You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must've been a one-time fluke. That was scientifically impossible!"

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again, just as his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. He takes the elevator back to the bar. Once upstairs, he successfully urges his dubious fellow drinker to try it.

"Well, what the heck," the second guy says, "I've seen that it works, so I'll try it!" He immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges downward - rapidly passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors...his body hits the sidewalk with a loud "splat."

Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the first drinker and shakes his head. He says,

"You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

[mlee49]

Lol

Superman drunk, he wouldn't do such a thing.

[Black Panther]

Been searching if we got a jokes thread here... so might as well keep adding to this one

Signboard outside a prostitute's house:
Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...


New AIDS awareness slogan:
Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.

Why is $ex like shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it again...


Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.


Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.


Q: What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY..... it is SHOWTIME!


Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later

Advantages of having an affair with a married women.
They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.
They do not swell and there is no wedding bell!


My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise . Why? Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!

[Black Panther]

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days, but since you're in prison I dunno what I can do.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.


That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do from here.

Love you,
Vinnie

[General__Cohen*****]

I have areally funny wun... When I was an olympian I yoozt to scream out to Kiearen Perkiss that if he didn't win gold they'd rayzer taxi's.

[1Kurgan1]

lol that tomato one is good.

[DanTheBanjoman]

Originally Posted by General__Cohen*****

I have areally funny wun... When I was an olympian I yoozt to scream out to Kiearen Perkiss that if he didn't win gold they'd rayzer taxi's.

Could someone translate the above to Dutch, my English must be getting a bit rusty.

[MRCL]

Originally Posted by General__Cohen*****

I have areally funny wun... When I was an olympian I yoozt to scream out to Kiearen Perkiss that if he didn't win gold they'd rayzer taxi's.

Originally Posted by DanTheBanjoman

Could someone translate the above to Dutch, my English must be getting a bit rusty.

Icken haven een wirklig spassig erlevenis... Als icken war een olympjike, icken hav immer gesjreet to Koreans (something), das wen eer nijt hoolen gold, deem werjden hijeven steujern ochwaards.

[dr emulator (madmax)]

Originally Posted by DanTheBanjoman

Could someone translate the above to Dutch, my English must be getting a bit rusty.

Originally Posted by General__Cohen*****

I have areally funny wun... When I was an olympian I yoozt to scream out to Kiearen Perkiss that if he didn't win gold they'd rayzer taxi's.

er no but it should go

I have a really funny one When I was an olympian I used to scream out to Kieran Perkiss that if he didn't win gold they'd ( unsure and wtf.gifrayzer) taxi's

sorry.gifGeneral__Cohen*****; but i haven't a clue what you mean

[MRCL]

Okay, after dutch, here my english interpretation:

I had a really funny one... When I was an olympian, I used to scream out to Korean whateverthehellthatmeans, taht if they don't win gold, they'd raise their taxes.

Man, even with proper grammar and spelling, it makes no sense.

[DanTheBanjoman]

Originally Posted by MRCL

Icken haven een wirklig spassig erlevenis... Als icken war een olympjike, icken hav immer gesjreet to Koreans (something), das wen eer nijt hoolen gold, deem werjden hijeven steujern ochwaards.

Ehm? That's more like German how an 8 year old Dutch girl would write it and b's replaced with v's.

[MRCL]

Originally Posted by DanTheBanjoman

Ehm? That's more like German how an 8 year old Dutch girl would write it and b's replaced with v's.

Its how german speaking people would write/speak dutch. Your language sounds cool, and we can only read and understand it. When you talk, everything consists of v's and ch's

[DanTheBanjoman]

Originally Posted by MRCL

Its how german speaking people would write/speak dutch. Your language sounds cool, and we can only read and understand it. When you talk, everything consists of v's and ch's

V's and ch's? Interesting. Better than yelling your whole language though :P

[Black Panther]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.

When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

_______________________________________________

Some Maltese Jokes.....

Dr. Fenech-BuTigieg was so smitten with his lovely if naive young Irish patient, that he just knew he had to have her. Telling her that he needed to take her temperature, he took his penis in hand and slipped it inside her. Just then, her husband walked in. "Hey!" he yelled. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor muttered, "Taking your sick wife's temperature, of course." The husband grabbed a scalpel from the cabinet. "Okay, Fenech," he said. "But when you pull that thing out, there damn well better be numbers on it!"

__________

Man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa at a nursing home in Hamrun. "How are you grandpa? he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. "I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.

"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister.

"Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

___________________


Three men were having a sauna. A japanese, an American and the famous Maltese (from Hararawn:-). The phone starts ringing and the japanese guy presses his thumb and forefinger together and starts gibbering away in Japanese. The others look at him in wonder and ask him what on earth he is doing. The Jap says that he got a telephone chip installed in his fingers tips ..and that was what he called Japanese technology.
The phone starts ringing again and the American guy presses his molar tooth and starts chatting away. The others look at him bewildered and ask him what is going on. He says..well guys..my phone is implanted in my teeth and when I'm in the Sauna I can be free to talk..and that's the latest american technology.

..and for the third time the phone rings again. This time, the Maltese guy, gets up, squats in a corner, and starts pushing and panting. The others got offened at this since they thought that he was going to defecate right in the sauna, and they told him, hey, where do you think you are? This is a sauna and not a public convenience. Please go and crap elsewhere. To this the Maltese replied "Wait a moment because a fax is coming out! And that is Maltese technology!!"

_______________

This American tourist wakes up in the morning at a hotel in Bugibba. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night.
He picks up his dressing gown from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra.

He thinks "bloody hell what happened last night??". He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his gown. Again he thinks "what happened last night, what have i done? Must have been a wild party".

He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is "If there's a God, please let this be a teabag"

______________________________

[Black Panther]

I'm a mother pheasant plucker. I pluck mother pheasants.
I'm the most pleasant mother pheasant plucker
Who ever plucked a mother pheasant.

*************

Our Joe wants to know if your Joe will lend our Joe your Joe's banjo.If your Joe won't lend our Joe your Joe's banjo, our Joe won't lend your Joe our Joe's banjo when our Joe has a banjo!

*************

Mighty Thor came down from Valhalla and spied a beautiful young maiden in the woods. He assumed the form of a handsome young man and "accidentally" bumped into her. She fell for his boyish good looks and invited him back to her cottage where they made passionate love all night long.
The next morning Mighty Thor awoke to find the young lass sitting in the bath. He felt he should introduce himself properly and said, "I have something to tell you, my sweet: I am Mighty Thor!"
"You're Thor?!" she squealed. "YOU'RE Thor?! I'm tho thore I can hardly pith!"

*************

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Nancy.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Nancy staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well,"Nancy said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

***************

A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and thinks he'll make the most of his stay.

Pretty soon, he thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a taxi.

He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.

She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her ..... you know the kind!

He copied down the phone number and returned to his hotel.

When back in the room he thinks, what the hell, give her a call.

'Hello?' the woman says. (God, she sounded sexy!).

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in a hotel all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?'


She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9.'

[WhiteLotus]

lol nice last one BP

[Black Panther]

Opps I was editing and changed the 'last one'

***************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
*****
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.." *
*****
At a Tyre Shop:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
*****
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
*****
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
*****
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
*****
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
*****
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
*****
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
*****
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
*****
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
*****
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
*****
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
*****
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
*****
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
*****
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
*****
Sign over a Gynaecologists' Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
*****
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
*****
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
*****
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."

**************************************

>> Blonde Genies...
>>
>> A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially
>> buried in the sand.
>> He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
>> Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.
>> The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
>>
>> The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by
>> 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore
>> the house.
>> Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and
>> the floor is covered in $1,000 bills! Then, there's a knock at the door.
>> ..
>>
>> He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan
>> outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb
>> and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
>>
>> As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two
>> blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can understand
>> the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love
>> to.
>> I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but why he wanted
>>
>> to be hung like a black man is beyond me.

***************************

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'


Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'


The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.


The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany


Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.


Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'


'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.


He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.


Then the Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'


The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'


'You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government', says Bud.


'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'


'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. .


Now give me back my dog.

[Black Panther]

This one nearly killed me:

> A big guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,
> and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must

> be thousands of dollars in it.
>
> He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"
>
> "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the
money."
>
> The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three
> tests?"
>
> Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives
> him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "OK," the
> bartender says. Here's what you need to do:
>
> First - You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the
> whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.
>
> Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth.
> You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
>
> Third. - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached
> org a sm during inter-course. You've gotta make things right for her."
>
> The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!
> I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper
> tequila, and then do those other things..."
>
> "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
>
> As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he
> asks, Where ez zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and
> downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he
> doesn't make a face.
>
> Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon
> the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside.

> They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull
> yelping and then. ..............silence.
>
> Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back
> into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all
> over his body.
>
> "Now," he says. "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

[Black Panther]

I just found these, don't know whether they're all true or not....

Proof That The World is Nuts

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death.
(Like THAT, it makes sense)
*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals,
but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination.
He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse.
This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must
be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
*~*~*~*~

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex
for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law,it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world
that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit
lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal inLiverpool, England but only in tropical fishstores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia,a woman may only have sex with her husband, and
the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia,it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and
her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one
exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only
'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what? Well . . . not asgreat as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last:
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)



************************************************

Subject: 20 years of marriage
> >>>
> >>> After 20 years of marriage, a couple were
> >>> lying in bed one evening, when the
> >>> wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
> >>> It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving
> >>> down past the small of her back.
> >>> He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down
> >>> over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
> >>> He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed
> >>> past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over
> >>> her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh,
> >>> stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
> >>> He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped,
> >>> rolled over and started to watch the tv.
> >>> As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a
> >>> loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> He said, 'I found the remote'.

[xfire]

Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting and
wanted to go out and party.

He called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club & pick up some
young girls. Batman said Robin was ill & he had to look after him.
A little disappointed, Superman "SMS" Spiderman to see if he
Fancied a few beers but Spiderman said he had a date with Catwoman.

As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to
see if she was free.

As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed
With her legs open and her eyes closed.

Superman thought to himself,

"So exotic, should I or shouldn't I ...wait ....I'm faster than a
speeding bullet! I can be in there out again before she knew what
happened."

So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flies off
happily.

Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said, "What is going on? Did you
hear anything ...?"

Hollow -Man replied, "No! But....... my ASS hurts like hell!!!!!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> On walking into the factory, the MD noticed a young guy
> leaning against the
> wall, doing nothing.
>
> He approached the young man and calmly said to him,
> "How much do you earn?"
> The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a
> personal question,
> he replied, none the less, "I earn $ 2 000.00 a month,
> Sir. Why?"
> Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed
> $6000.00 cash and
> gave it to the young man and said, "Around here I pay
> people for working,
> not for standing around looking pretty! Here is your 3
> months salary, now
> GET OUT and don't come back".
> The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.
> Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset
> manner, "And that
> applies for everybody in this company".
> He approached one of the onlookers and asked him,
> "Who's the young man that
> I just fired?"
> To which an amazing reply came of, "He was the pizza
> delivery man, Sir...!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.


Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window
of the biggest house adjacent to the course.


The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up
there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going
to cost us."


So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.


A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the
damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique
bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.


A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my
window?"


"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.


"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a
genie, a nd I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that
you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll Give you each
one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."


"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for! the rest of my life."


"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And
I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"


"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to
own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,"
she said.


"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe
from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"


"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"


" Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
woman in mor e than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife."


The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now
have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"


She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you,
honey?"


"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.


"I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where
they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was
insatiable.


After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie rolled over and looked
directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"


"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies

[xfire]

Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked.

[sheps999]

Originally Posted by MRCL

Icken haven een wirklig spassig erlevenis... Als icken war een olympjike, icken hav immer gesjreet to Koreans (something), das wen eer nijt hoolen gold, deem werjden hijeven steujern ochwaards.

Oh hey, backwards English

Two dyslexic men walk into a bra.

[Black Panther]

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

************************

Cartoon characters on drugs:

10. Gargamel, most likely on LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in faggy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?

9. Olive Oyl, probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny? She might even be anorexic. One side question, what the hell are Popeye and Brutus thinking? They almost made the list for courting her.

8. Snagglepuss (Is this even spelled right?), can't explain it. Maybe it's the name, or the look, but he is suspicious.

7. HeMan, this is an easy one. I mean c'mon. Roid monkey #1. 'BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!!!!' Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the stuff in his pet tiger. Animal Abuse.

6 and 5. Yogi and Boo Boo, we all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and trip.

4. Droopy, the number one downer abuser in toon land. Can't someone slip him an upper every year or two? The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of the babe.

3. Dopey Dwarf, he openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are under investigation. Allegations that Doc is writing some extra scripts for Sneezy and all the guys are partaking are afloat.

2. Daffy Duck, if he isn't using crack, Marion Barry is clean. He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might be from 'daffiness' but Haladol wouldn't work for him. Might for his buddy with Tourettes, Porky though.

1. Shaggy, by far the number one suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed per episode does pot. Scooby is guilty by association. And look at the way he and his friends painted that van!

********************

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

********************

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know
you're upside down?" "Because the shit is running down my back!"

**************************

The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts. I intended to stock up. At the store, however, I was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so I complained to the butcher lady.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the gentleman who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

**************************

God said to Adam, "I've got some good news and some bad news. First the good news. I have given you a brain and a penis. The bad news... I've only given you enough blood to work one of them at a time..."

[Black Panther]

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God says, "That was the screen saver".
**********************************************

One for the Brits...


Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favourite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the genie. "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."

"Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog."

They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked.

The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo.

"You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let's have a look at that dog again."

[Black Panther]

How To Install A Home Security System


1. Go to the Goodwill Store and buy a pair of men's work boots, size 14-16 (well used).

2. Place them on the front porch along with a copy of Gun and Ammo magazine.

3. Put a couple of BIG dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a handwritten note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba! Big Jim, Duke, Slim and Me went for more ammo....be back in about 1 hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls--they got after the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all the dogs in the house. Just wait outside til we get back.