Joke

[xfire]

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked: "How long before I can get a haircut?".

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said: "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked: "How long before I can get a haircut?".

The barber looked around at the shop and said: "About 3 hours." The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked: "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said: "About an hour only."

The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said: "Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back".

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked: "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said: "To your wife!"

[Mussels]

brilliant XD

[CyberDruid]

Romantic short story



He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me
into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.

"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused
hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my
calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I
should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so
experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and
partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing
fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm,
full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.
Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid
them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and
expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge.
A man not used to taking no for an answer. A man who would tell me
what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ...

"Okay, ma'am," he said. "All done."

My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse.


"You can board your flight now."
__________________

[de.das.dude]

Originally Posted by CyberDruid

Romantic short story



He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me
into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.

"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused
hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my
calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I
should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so
experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and
partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing
fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm,
full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.
Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid
them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and
expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge.
A man not used to taking no for an answer. A man who would tell me
what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ...

"Okay, ma'am," he said. "All done."

My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse.


"You can board your flight now."
__________________

this guy and the top gear dudes have the best jobs in the world

[Mussels]

Originally Posted by de.das.dude

this guy and the top gear dudes have the best jobs in the world

imagine having to check for concealed goods on a woman like this.






Its not that good a job.

[jmcslob]

Originally Posted by Mussels

imagine having to check for concealed goods on a woman like this.

http://img.techpowerup.org/101228/.jpg




Its not that good a job.

It's posts like that....that make me wish we had a WTF!? or You Bastard button or a No Thank You

[xfire]

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

[entropy13]

Wonder what shape his coffin would be, that gynecologist.

[CyberDruid]

Originally Posted by entropy13

Wonder what shape his coffin would be, that gynecologist.

Taco

[de.das.dude]

Originally Posted by CyberDruid

Taco

camel toe

[Triprift]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt
And sense of betrayal were overwhelming.


But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said:


"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single Just let it go."


But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality. Whispering.....

Dave..........

Dave ...............

Dave........

Dave.......


Dave…....




...........you're a vet

[yogurt_21]

So I took some clients out for dinner last night.
We went to this pretentious seafood place where the waiters wore black tuxedo's.

We had just sat down when the waiter came over and got our drink order.

One of the clients looked at the waiter before giving his order and asked him "why do you have spoon in your pocket?"

I looked around and noticed all the other waiters similarly had spoons in their pockets.

The waiter responded, "We've been looking for ways to improve efficiency and discovered that the spoon is the most often dropped utensil, so we started carrying them in our pockets."

just then one of the other clients dropped their spoon when unraveling the napkin that was wrapped around her utensils. The waiter took the spoon out of his pocket and placed it in front of her.

"you see, now I'll simply pickup another the next time I go by the kitchen"

We finished our drink order and started talking business. The waiter came back with the drinks and just as he leaned in to place mine in front of me I noticed a little black string hanging from his crotch. I took a look around at the other waiters also had one there. So I asked him about it.
"umm... why do you have a string hanging from your pants?"

"Oh" he said quietly "most customers don't notice that."
"in order to improve efficiency with our bathroom breaks we tie a string around ourselves to avoid having to wash our hands"

I looked at him puzzled "ok I get how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?"

He looked kinda sheepish "I don't know about the other guys, but I just use my spoon"

[Triprift]

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ....

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.


Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.


Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.. '


'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist

[de.das.dude]

blond men? yeah i saw one in van wilder, rise of the taj. he was van's friend

[xfire]

"Free parachutes! No strings attached! Lifetime guarantee!"

[xfire]

One day, a 5 year old boy went to visit his granny. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said: "Grandma, why don't you have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV-set is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs makes me feel good and the comedies makes me laugh. I'm happy with my it as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV-set, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting knobs, trying to get it focus.

Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood his grandpa's old friend, now the grandma's minister.

The minister said: "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend!"

[jmcslob]

A little late but why not...


Did you here about the new White House holiday drink..
They make it with Watermelon Juice and Vodka..
They call it NigNog

[de.das.dude]

speaking of vodka.....


1 vodka, 2 vodka, 3 vodka, four.
5 vodka, 6 vodka, 7 vodka Floor

[xfire]

A customer at a supermarket asked Ranjeet, the shelf packer if he could buy half a cucumber.

Ranjeet, went to his boss and told him: "There is an idiot who wants 1/2 a cucumber".

Unfortunately the customer had followed him and was standing right behind him. When Ranjeet realised this, he quickly added "Oh and this gentleman wants the other 1/2".

Later the boss said he was very impressed by his fast thinking and asked him where he came from.

"I come from Chatsworth" Ranjeet replied and quickly added "Nothing much comes from there except musicians and prostitutes."

To which the boss said: "Oh really? My wife comes from Chatsworth".

The quick response from Ranjeet was: "Is that so? What instrument does she play?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[xfire]

Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions" he observed.

To the first mother he said: "You are so obsessed with eating you've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers: "Come on Dick, we're leaving."

[Mussels]

Originally Posted by xfire

Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions" he observed.

To the first mother he said: "You are so obsessed with eating you've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers: "Come on Dick, we're leaving."

i didnt find that funny at all.

[Triprift]

I found it heaps funny good show xfire lol.

[Triprift]

A politician was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know poop?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

[Mussels]

Originally Posted by Triprift

A politician was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know poop?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

that, also not funny. but at least i got a smile from thinking of that guy getting owned.

[xfire]

mussels is just in a bad mood:P
thanks trip