Joke

[entropy13]

What is a horny pirate's worse nightmare???


A sunken chest with no booty!!!

YAARGH!!!

[MRCL]

Originally Posted by entropy13

What is a horny pirate's worse nightmare???


A sunken chest with no booty!!!

YAARGH!!!

That was on memebase, wasn't it

[Black Panther]

Yes it's this one, probably a joke at Keira Knightly's skinny shape I guess?




_____________________


This doctor from Israel was telling us the other day: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, we put them into another man, and in six weeks he is looking for work."

We sought the opinion of a German doctor who retorted: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person, we put it into another person's head, and in four weeks he is looking for work."
A French doctor wouldn't be outdone and remarked strongly: "That's nothing either, in France we take out half of the heart from a person, we put it into another person's chest, and in two weeks he is looking for work." The Maltese electorate had a massive claim to medical superiority and answered immediately: "In Malta ,we grabbed a person with no brains, no heart, and no testicles....we made him Prime Minister and now.......the whole country is looking for work!"

[WhiteNoise]

Two men are driving through Georgia when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK! The cop smacks him in the head with the stick.
"What the hell was that for," the driver asks.
"You're in Georgia, Boy," the trooper answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
"I'm sorry, Officer," the driver says, "I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean--and gives the guy his license back.
The trooper THEN walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK! The trooper smacks HIM on the head with the nightstick.
"What'd you do that for," the passenger asks.
"Just making your wish come true," replies the trooper.
"Making WHAT wish come true," the passenger asks.
"Because I know that two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!'"

[WhiteNoise]

Question: Is sex Work?

A U.S.Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his
staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the
colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained
that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to
get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just
how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon
his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in
charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100%
pleasure.

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

[FreedomEclipse]

I was on my way home to Klerksdorp when a woman driving an old Peugeot 505 in front of me brushed a young girl driving a very clean Honda Accord. This young girl got out of the car and started insulting the woman, who was old enough to at least be her mother or Aunt.

All efforts by passers-by to pacify her proved abortive as she said the car was bought by her boyfriend... I just watched and sympathized with the woman. She told the girl she'd fix the car but it was already evening, getting late and she had no money on her unless the girl followed her home if her hubby could help. The girl kept screaming as people tried to beg on behalf of the woman.

The girl blatantly refused and decided to call her boyfriend saying: Baby, a stupid woman just hit my car". The car you bought me. The man appeared in no minute ready to please his girlfriend by raining insult on the woman. On getting there, he started shouting, "Where is the stupid woman that hit your car", only to realise the woman was his wife.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

[FreedomEclipse]

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' ."

After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole fucking thing.

[Black Panther]

Click

[de.das.dude]

OMG!!! LOL


INDIA:-
here the pizza comes faster than the ambulance/fire-brigade

[Black Panther]

[yogurt_21]

so I went to the grocery store the other day. I bought a few essentials and began to load them into my car.
Then an old lady came out of nowhere and said "hey get out of my car." I promptly told her it wasn't her car and turned to get into the drivers seat.
She said "no it's my car, you can't steal my car."
I again told her "no look at the license plate it says crzypmp, that stands for crazy pimp ma'am, it's my car yours must be somewhere else."
Then the crazy old bag grabbed my leg and began trying to pull me out of the car.
I told her to get off of my leg and that it was my car and she was lost. She clung to my leg and said "no it's my car, you can't have my car!"
I had had enough at that point so I said "get off of my leg or I'm going to drive off and you'll get hurt."
She said, "no it's my car and i won't let you take it"
So i drove out of the parking spot kicking my leg the whole time and telling her to let go.
The crazy old bat was still pulling and pulling.
She was pulling on my leg just like I'm pulling yours now.

[de.das.dude]

Originally Posted by Black Panther

Click

hot pic expected.

disappointment received

[de.das.dude]

Why do men pay more for car insurance than women? Because women don't get blow jobs!

--------------------------------------
The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an examination."Mrs. Brown," he said, "I have some good news for you." The woman said, "I'm glad of that doctor, but I'm not Mrs Brown, I am Miss Brown," "Miss Brown," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have bad news for you."
--------------------------------------
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the
front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her
feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the
counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for
support, she asks the sales clerk, "Ddddoo youuu hhhave
ddddildos?" The clerk, politely trying not to burst out
laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry
many models." The old woman then asks, "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu
hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt
tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?" The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
"Ccccccannnn yyyyouu tttelll mmmeee hhhoww ttttoo ttturrrn ttthe
dddaaammnn ttthinggg offf?"
------------------------------------------
There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black haired woman.The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

[yogurt_21]

Originally Posted by de.das.dude

------------------------------------------
There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black haired woman.The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

oldie but a goodie

[Black Panther]

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the

Small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too

much about me. I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I

accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pick-up fortunately came to a halt when

it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will

forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.


Your loving wife.
XXX



...




..





.

[de.das.dude]

[spoiler] Ok so a guy walks into a bar and sits down. The guy next to him says “howdy” so he responds “hello” Then the guy next to him says “wanna make a bet” So he responds “sure…see that horse out there? i bet i can make that horse laugh…then make it cry” so the guy next to him says “all right” so he walks outside and stands by the horse. He then whispers in its ear and the horse starts laughing hysterically. Then he walks around the horse then when he comes to the front of it he pulls down his pants. The horse then for some reason puts its head down as if it were crying. The guy comes back in and says “you owe me a beer” the guy he bet with says “ok but first..how the hell did u do that?” so he responds “simple really. i said that my dick dick was bigger than his. Then i showed him.” [/spoiler]

[Mussels]

fail

[de.das.dude]

Originally Posted by Mussels

http://img.techpowerup.org/110216/Capture296.jpg


fail

framer!

[CyberDruid]

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied,
"I wan to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else" said the madam.

He replied,
"No, I must see Valerie."

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back
two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts. The price is still $5000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row."
"Where are you from?"

The man replied,
" New Brunswick ."
"Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick ."

"I know." the man said.
"Your sister died, and I am her attorney."
"She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three(3) things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

[de.das.dude]

that was awesome

[MRCL]

Originally Posted by yogurt_21

so I went to the grocery store the other day. I bought a few essentials and began to load them into my car.
Then an old lady came out of nowhere and said "hey get out of my car." I promptly told her it wasn't her car and turned to get into the drivers seat.
She said "no it's my car, you can't steal my car."
I again told her "no look at the license plate it says crzypmp, that stands for crazy pimp ma'am, it's my car yours must be somewhere else."
Then the crazy old bag grabbed my leg and began trying to pull me out of the car.
I told her to get off of my leg and that it was my car and she was lost. She clung to my leg and said "no it's my car, you can't have my car!"
I had had enough at that point so I said "get off of my leg or I'm going to drive off and you'll get hurt."
She said, "no it's my car and i won't let you take it"
So i drove out of the parking spot kicking my leg the whole time and telling her to let go.
The crazy old bat was still pulling and pulling.
She was pulling on my leg just like I'm pulling yours now.

I don't get it. Is it supposed to be some sort of sexual innuendo or what?

[Mussels]

Originally Posted by MRCL

I don't get it. Is it supposed to be some sort of sexual innuendo or what?

its like the bel air meme on 4chan... its a big lead up to nothing.

[CyberDruid]

Originally Posted by Mussels

its like the bel air meme on 4chan... its a big lead up to nothing.

[yogurt_21]

Originally Posted by MRCL

I don't get it. Is it supposed to be some sort of sexual innuendo or what?

lol forgot about the non statsers. no to pull someone's leg is to joke with someone.
1
"dude, look out your hairs on fire"
2
"you're pulling my leg aren't you? I'd know if my hair is on fire."
1
" no you're right"


also to josh with someone means the same. "you're just joshing me"

[Black Panther]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?


The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk ..

We shall now show you the way to the sound

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.


The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.


Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.


The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...


...silver, topaz, and amethyst.


Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .


The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight


.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.