Joke

[dcf-joe]

I loved that joke that with the two blonde genies. The guys last wish is so funny but creepy at the same time.

[xfire]

Types of computer viruses
Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.

Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.

Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..

David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.

Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.

Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!

Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Nike virus: Just Does It!

Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.

Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.

Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.

Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

[Black Panther]

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.

"I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.

"I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second.

"I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."

[xfire]

A husband is watching footie when his wife interrupts, 'Honey, the hallway light has been flickering for weeks. Can you fix it?'

He angrily looks at her and says, 'Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E Logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!'

'Well, what about the fridge door. It doesn't close right'

'Fix the Fridge Door??? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so!'

'Ok', she says, 'then you could at least fix the front door steps. They're about to break.'

'I ain't no damn Carpenter and I don't wanna fix any steps,' he says. 'Does it look like I've got ACE hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough. I'm off to the bar!'

After a couple of hours at the local, he feels guilty and decides to go home and make up with his wife. As he walks up to the house he notice the steps are fixed. As he goes into the house he sess the hall light is working, and as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.'

'Darling, how'd you get all this fixed?'

She replies: 'Well, after you left I was sitting outside crying when a nice young man asked what was wrong. I told him, he offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was to either bake a cake or go to bed with him.'

He said, 'So, what kind of cake did you bake him?'

She replied, 'Helllllloooooo.......Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.'

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor says. 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The blonde nods. 'I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.' 'From hunger, you mean?' said the doctor.

'No, from skipping,' replied the blonde.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, 'Give me six double vodkas.'
The barman says 'Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.'

'Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay.'

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, 'I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!'

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said 'Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?'

'Yeah, my wife...'

[Black Panther]

Is Windows a Virus
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

**************************************************

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

[Black Panther]

The Herd Theory -

A herd can only move as fast as the slowest animal,
and when the herd is hunted,
it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group
keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate
as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells,
but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
making the brain a faster and more efficient machine
that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

************************************************

Young School Children Writing About The Sea

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island
If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent.
( Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
(Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating
beans.
(William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
How do mermaids get pregnant?
(Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big
sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)

*******************************************

A bus stops and 2 men get on, an Italian and a French guy. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears the Italian say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice after. Then I come one lasta time.''

The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed pig,' she retorted indignantly.
'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about such bad stuff.'

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the Italian. 'Who talking abouta badda stuff?
I'm a justa tellin' my franchez frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.





(Bet u gonna read this again!)

[xfire]

A Top Manager Trained ßy Him Tried To Çopy This At Home After A ¡)rink. He §aid Loudly To His Wife Who Was Preparing ¡)inner, "The Greatest ¥ears Θf My Life Were §pent In The Arms Θf A Woman Who Wasn't My Wife!"

§tanding There For 20 §ec Trying To Recall The §econd Half Θf The Joke, He Finally ßlurted Θut "And I Çan't Remember Who §he Was!"

[Black Panther]

A man was sick and tired
Of going to work every day
While his wife stayed home.


He wanted her to see what he went
Through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put
In 8 hours while my wife
Merely stays at home.
I want her to know what
I go through.
So, please allow her body to
Switch with mine for a day.'

God, in his infinite wisdom,
Granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough,
The man awoke as a woman...
He arose, cooked breakfast
For his mate,
Awakened the kids,

Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked
Up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank
To make a deposit,

Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put
Away the groceries,

Paid the bills and balanced
The check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box
And bathed the dog..
Then, it was already 1 P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,
Dust, And sweep and mop
The kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up
The kids and got into an argument
With them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and
Got the kids organized to do
Their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board
And watched TV while he
Did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling
Potatoes and washing
Vegetables for salad,
Breaded the pork chops
And snapped
Fresh beans for supper.

After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids, And put
Them to bed.
At 9 P.M. He was exhausted
And, though his daily chores
Weren't finished, he went to
Bed where he was expected to
Make love, which he managed
To get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke
And immediately knelt by the
Bed and said: -
Lord, I don't know what
I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my
Wife's' being able to stay
Home all day.
Please, Oh! Please,
Let us trade back.. Amen!'
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

'My son, I feel you have
Learned your lesson and
I will be happy to change
Things back to the way
They were.
You'll just have to wait
Nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night.'

[xfire]

This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.

So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the next room".

Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.

Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes.

So the guy says, "I'll choose this room". Satan says O.K. The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could be worse", when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says "O.K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!"






A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.

Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".

"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

[Black Panther]

Blonde's 2009 diary:

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!!

[xfire]

^^One of the best jokes!!!



A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop."
The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars."
The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.
The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars."
The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.
The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."
The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."



A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[SK-1]

'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss John says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex.
That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great.
I be at work soon..........You got nice house'

[WhiteNoise]

Thats an old one but I still love it!

[Black Panther]

Customer Support: “Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

CS: “What sort of trouble?”

C: “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

CS: “Went away?”

C: “They disappeared.”

CS: “Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”

C: “Nothing.”

CS: “Nothing?”

C: “It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

CS: “Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”

C: “How do I tell?”

CS: “Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”

C: “What’s a sea-prompt?”

CS: “Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”

C: “There isn’t any cursor, I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

CS: “Does your monitor have a power indicator?”

C: “What’s a monitor?”

CS: “It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”

C: “I don’t know.”

CS: “Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”

C: “Yes, I think so.”

CS: “Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”

C: “…….Yes, it is.”

CS: “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

C: “No.”

CS: “Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”

C: “…….Okay, here it is.”

CS: “Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”

C: “I can’t reach.”

CS: “Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”

C: “No.”

CS: “Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”

C: “Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.”

CS: “Dark?”

C: “Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

CS: “Well, turn on the office light then.”

C: “I can’t.”

CS: “No? Why not?”

C: “Because there’s a power outage.”

CS: “A power… A power outage? Ah, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”

C: “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

CS: “Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

C: “Really? Is it that bad?”

CS: “Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

C: “Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

CS: “Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”

[xfire]

[Black Panther]

"Five rules" for men to follow for a Happy Life...

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.


2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other


Signed
Tiger Woods

[Mussels]

subscribed to thread

[xfire]

A redhead walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. She sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The redhead turns to the blonde and says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

The redhead placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to the redhead and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."

The redhead replies, "Honey, I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young high school couple - Johnny and Suzie had been dating for 2 years, but Suzie had very conservative parents - so she never told them about Johnny.

One day she announced, "Johnny, Friday is my 18th birthday. I want you to come over and meet my parents. And then Saturday, they will be going away for the weekend - and this being my 18th birthday, I want us to finally "DO IT."

Johnny was ecstatic, and the day of the dinner, he went out and bought flowers for Suzie and candy for her mom. He then stopped by the pharmacy to buy some condoms.

The pharmacist asked him, "Do you want the 2 pack, 3 pack or 12 pack." Johnny responded, "You know, I think it's going to be a busy weekend, so I'll take the 12 pack."

Johnny headed over to Suzie's house, gave her the flowers and her mom the chocolate. Suzie's father also joined them on dinner. Johnny asked if he could say grace before the meal, and he sat there quietly for 10 minutes almost in a meditative state.

Suzie turned towards him and whispered, 'Johnny, you never told me you were so religious."

Johnny turned and replied, "Suzie, you never told me your dad was a pharmacist."

[Cuzza]

Oil change instructions for Women:


1) Pull up to dealership when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 20 minutes later, use credit card and leave in a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change:

$30.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $31.00
==========





Oil change instructions for Men :


1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store, buy a case of oil, filter,kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree. Use debit card for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer (debit $20), drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack up car. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car..

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box-end wrench.

9) After ten minutes, give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil, splashing hot oil on arms and face. Cuss forcefully.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe off hot oil. Apply burn cream. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up. Crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter to twist it off..

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer while deliberating next step.

17) Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Suddenly remember removed drain plug from step 11.

20) Plunge hands into drain pan to find plug.

21) Clutch fresh beer bottle to cool scalded hands. Consume contents.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Clean and re-install drain plug. Have a beer to calm nerves.

24) Crawl under car. Accidentally get kitty litter in eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.

25) Skin knuckles on engine frame as crescent wrench slips while tightening new filter.Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench across garage.

27) Increase cussing volume as wrench hits bowling trophy.

28) Beer.

29) Clean hands and apply bandage to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to spread more kitty litter on oil running down driveway .

35) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over and arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Watch helplessly as car impounded.

39) Call loving wife from police station; make bail.

40) 12 hours later, retrieve car from impound yard.



Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2,500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1,500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00





But you know the job was done right!

[JC316]

Good joke cuzza, but you have it wrong....

Oil change instructions for Women:


1) Pull up to dealership when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 20 minutes later, use credit card and leave in a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change:

$30.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $31.00

4) Wonder what that little oil can light means.

5) Car dies. Call Husband.

6) Husband finds drain plug is missing. Cusses the oil change station.

7) Station says they torqued it to specs.

8) Get new engine.

9) Get lawyer and sue shop.

Money spent:

Towing fees and new engine:
$4000
Lawyer Fees:
$2000

Total Spent: $6031.

[Black Panther]

JC316, you got it wrong from here...

9) Get lawyer and sue shop.

10) Win case & damages.

Money spent:

Oil Change $30
Coffee $1
Towing fees and new engine: $4000
Lawyer Fees: $2000
Court orders refund of $4000 & $2000 + a further $2000 in damages/inconvenience

Total earned $1969.

[Wile E]

Originally Posted by Black Panther

JC316, you got it wrong from here...

9) Get lawyer and sue shop.

10) Win case & damages.

Money spent:

Oil Change $30
Coffee $1
Towing fees and new engine: $4000
Lawyer Fees: $2000
Court orders refund of $4000 & $2000 + a further $2000 in damages/inconvenience

Total earned $1969.

You won't make a profit on this side of the pond. Hell, you'd be lucky to even win over here.

[JC316]

Originally Posted by Wile E

You won't make a profit on this side of the pond. Hell, you'd be lucky to even win over here.

Yeah, exactly. No one touches my motor except me or my dad for this very reason.

Back on topic.

Cajun in Hell

A Cajun who died went to hell.
The devil assigned him the usual punishment...put him in the mass pit where the heat was melting others. The devil came back sometime later surprised to find the Cajun just sitting around, not even misting, much less sweating. "How come you're not so much as sweating here where everyone else is screaming for relief from the heat?" The Cajun laughed and said, "Man, I was raised in the bayous of Sout Looziana. Dis ain't nothin' but May in Morgan City to me!" The devil decided to really put the Cajun through it. He put him in a sealed off cave in the pit with open blazes and four extra furnaces blasting. When he came back, days later, the Cajun was sitting pretty, had barely begun to bead up with sweat. The devil was outraged. "How is this possible!? You should be melted to a shrieking puddle in these conditions!."
The Cajun laughed even harder than before. "Hey, man! I done tole you. I was raised in Sout Looziana. You tink dis is heat?! Dis ain't nothin' but August in Cow Island !" So the devil thought, 'Alright, a little reverse ought to do the trick.' He put the Cajun into a corner of hell where no heat ever reached. It was freezing and to add to the Cajun's misery, he added massive icebergs and blasting frozen air. When he returned, the Cajun was shivering, ice hung from every part of him but he was grinning like it was Christmas. Exasperated, the devil asked "HOW!? How is it possible?! You're impervious to heat and here you sit in conditions you can't be used to...freezing cold and yet you're happier than if you were in heaven. WHY?!"
The Cajun kept grinning and asked, "Don't dis mean de Saints won da Super Bowl?"

[Black Panther]

If Microsoft Built Cars...


1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car98", "CarXP", "VistaCar" or "Car7". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

[Cuzza]

hahaha yes it's an oldie alright! that joke or variations thereof have been going around the net since at least 1997. My computer studies teacher had it pinned on the wall of the classroom