Joke

[entropy13]

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

[yogurt_21]

Originally Posted by entropy13

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

none of the others are needed as in this step, everyone in america who drives just died in the worlds biggest car accident.

congratulations, you just destroyed america without firing a single shot.

[entropy13]

Originally Posted by yogurt_21

none of the others are needed as in this step, everyone in america who drives just died in the worlds biggest car accident.

congratulations, you just destroyed america without firing a single shot.

You mean only American women knows how to drive?

[ninkobei]

Originally Posted by entropy13

You mean only American women knows how to drive?

american women drive just fine. its the asian women who can't. lol

[entropy13]

Originally Posted by ninkobei

american women drive just fine. its the asian women who can't. lol

Asian women (not to mention Asians in general) use public transport...

[de.das.dude]

Originally Posted by ninkobei

american women drive just fine. its the asian women who can't. lol

ORLYowl.jpg

most of my lady friends who drive know how to drive pretty well.

[Black Panther]

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.
She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:
"Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair
remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have
really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they
will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under
your cassock?"

"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not
lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask
you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented
himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to
declare?"

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my
son",he replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the
sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument
designed for use by women, but which has never been used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father.

[entropy13]

I lol'd.

[SaiZo]

10 Facts about you

1. You're reading this right now.
2. You're realizing that it is a stupid fact.
4. You didn't notice I skipped three.
5. You're checking now.
6. You're smiling.
7. You're still reading this even though it's stupid.
9. You didn't realize I skipped eight.
10. You're checking again and smiling how you fell for it again.
11. You're enjoying this.
12. You didn't realize there's only suppose to be ten facts.

[Chevalr1c]

^ repost, actually, but nice nonetheless.

[de.das.dude]

Originally Posted by Black Panther

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.
She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:
"Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair
remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have
really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they
will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under
your cassock?"

"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not
lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask
you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented
himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to
declare?"

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my
son",he replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the
sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument
designed for use by women, but which has never been used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father.

me and my friends lol'd

[ninkobei]

Originally Posted by entropy13

Asian women (not to mention Asians in general) use public transport...

Not all of them obviously. Sometimes I glance over to see what the jerk looks like that is driving like ass. Asian/Latino women and old dudes are the most common suspects. Granted, asian women aren't the only poor drivers (heck I'm sure I piss some people off, too), but they are certainly included.

[SaiZo]

Originally Posted by Chevalr1c

^ repost, actually, but nice nonetheless.

Oh? Damn it.. I actually saw it on another website.

[SaiZo]

I Got a dig bick.

You that read wrong

That awkward when you read that wrong too

And said moment after "awkward"

This is awkward

[theJesus]

I fall for that every fucking time

[A Cheese Danish]

Originally Posted by theJesus

I fall for that every fucking time

The human mind/brain is very powerful

Gets me too

[Chevalr1c]

It gets me too every time.

[entropy13]

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. "I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor ask an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

----------------------------------------------

Hank was amazed at the length of the funeral procession he saw going down the street. Watching for a while, he observed that the cortege consisted entirely of men and that it was led by a man holding a Doberman Pinscher on a leash.

When his curiosity got the better of him, Hank walked up to the man at the head of the line and said, "Please excuse me for the interruption in your time of grief, but I've never seen such a funeral procession. Would you mind telling me who it's for?"

"It's for my mother-in-law," said the mourner. Tightening the leash, he looked down at the dog and said, "My Doberman killed her."

"Gee, that's terrible," said Hank. "But...hmmm...is there any way you might lend me your dog for a day or two?"

The bereaved son-in-law pointed over his shoulder, and said, "Get in line."

----------------------------------------------

The waitress walks up to one of her tables and is shocked to see three Japanese men, all sat there masturbating violently.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” she screams.

One of the Japanese guys looks up and says, “Well, it says on the menu, First come, First served!”

----------------------------------------------

A teacher asks her pupils what they want to be in the future...

Francis: I want to be a lawyer
John: I want to be a doctor
Sarah: I want to be a mother
Peter: I want to help Sarah

[Black Panther]

Originally Posted by theJesus

I fall for that every fucking time

Even I, and that's really weird..

____________________________

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my dog at Walmart, and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 lbs before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food’s nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking my balls when a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

[SaiZo]

My doctor told me that I was a schizofrenic paranoid, running around in tights chasing criminals and have the illusion that an insane, badly dressed clown was out to get me..

[theJesus]

Originally Posted by SaiZo

My doctor told me that I was a schizofrenic paranoid, running around in tights chasing criminals and have the illusion that an insane, badly dressed clown was out to get me..

[entropy13]

Originally Posted by theJesus

I love that show.

[theJesus]

I haven't seen it in ages, but I remember liking it.

[twilyth]

Jimmy Kimmel at the WH correspondents dinner.

Mr. President, there's a term for men like you. Probably not 2 terms . . .

[m1dg3t]

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eye's?














































NOTHING. She's already been told twice