Joke

[Black Panther]

A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over.
He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says:
"Boy, don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!"

[de.das.dude]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA that made me luff

[hellrazor]

What does the nosy pepper do?

Get jalapeno business!

[Black Panther]

A boy confided to his school mate "My poor grandmother has had Alzheimer's for several years now.But I guess I should be grateful for the $10 I get for my birthday every week."

______________

I phoned the local radio station today. The
presenter
answered and said,
"Congratulations on being our first caller, all you
have to do is
answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."
"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.
"Feel confident?" he asked. "It's a maths
question."
"Well, I've got a degree in maths and teach it at
my local school," I proudly replied.
"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row
seats to a Justin Bieber concert and to
meet him back stage what is 2+2?"
"7" I replied.

_____________

They say a dog is a man's best friend.

But I don't even have enemies that would stare directly into my eyes whilst taking a shit on my carpet...

___________________

“The car won’t start,” aid a wife to her husband. “I think there’s water in the carburettor.”"How do you know?” said the husband scornfully. “You don’t even know what the carburettor is.”"I’m telling you,” repeated the wife, “I’m sure there’s water in the carburettor.”"We’ll see,” mocked the husband. “Let me check it out. Where’s the car?”
“In the swimming pool.”

__________________

A kindergarden teacher is talking to her class one morning. She says, "Today, boys and girls, we are going to use big people words when we speak. We won't use baby talk words." She asked a little boy what he did yesterday. The boy says, "I visited my nana." The teacher corrects him, "No, you visited your GRANDmother." Remember, big people words." She asked a little girl the same question. The girl responded, "Yesterday I rode the choo-choo." The teacher said, "No, you rode the TRAIN. Remember, big people words." She asked little Johnny, "What did YOU do yesterday." He responds immediately, "My Mother read me a story." The teacher asks what the name of the story was. Little Johnny thought deeply for several seconds and said, uh, "Winnie-the Shit?"

[Black Panther]

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use
the spoon."

[de.das.dude]

[yogurt_21]

Originally Posted by Black Panther

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use
the spoon."

an oldie but a goodie.

Like the ribbon thing too, when i first heard that one, it was a drunk scottsman rather than a man and his dog.

[Tomas]

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Cow! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to continue for the next 10 minutes.

[de.das.dude]

you know i saw the name tomas on all the threads and thought.. here we go... another spammer. lol

[Black Panther]

A new element added to PERIODIC TABLE :

Name: Girl

Symbol: Gl

Atomic weight: Don't even dare to ask.

Physical properties:
1. Boils at any time,
2. Melts when handled with love and care,
3. very bitter when mishandled.

Chemical properties:
1. Very reactive,
2. Highly unstable,
3. Possesses high affinity to gold, platinum,
diamond, branded clothes and other
expensive items.

Nature:
1. Money reducing agent.
2. Volatile when left alone.

Occurrence: Mostly found in front of the
mirrors.

[Frederik S]

Originally Posted by Black Panther

A boy confi"

OHHH YES SO MUCH WIN!! HAHAHA!
Sorry that post scores 12/10 on the awesomeness scale due to the Bieber joke!

Cheers,
Fred

[razaron]

Three men are in a queue at an airport migration desk. The migration officer motions for the first man to approach the desk.

“Greetings!” he says. “I will need to see your papers, and as a matter of protocol I need to ask you a few questions before I can let you pass.”

“That’s fine” the first man replies, and hands over his papers.

“Splendid!” says the migration officer. “First, I will need your full name.”

“Edward Farnsworth”, says the man.

The migration officer continues, “And I will need your nationality.”

“English”, the man replies.

“And finally, I will need your occupation.”

“Bank manager.”

The migration officer examines the papers for a few seconds before stamping them and returning them to their owner. “Thank you!” he says. “Welcome to our country.” He then motions for the second man to come forward. “Before I let you through I will need to ask you some questions. First, your name?”

“Louis Pierre”

“Your nationality?”

“I am a Frenchman, sir”

“And finally, your occupation.”

“Breadmaker.”

The migration officer stamps his papers and says “Welcome! Please enjoy your stay”.

The third man now approches the desk and again the migration officer asks his questions.

“Name?”

“Werner Schmidt”

“Nationality?”

“German”

“Occupation?”

“No, just a short visit.”

[de.das.dude]

i dont get it?

[razaron]

Occupation is also a way of referring to holding a country through military might.

[razaron]

Person 1: LOL U TK HIM 2 DA BAR?
Person 2: Even with cruise control, you still need to steer.

[natr0n]

If you have a lazy eye , its time to hit the gym.

[Black Panther]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

> Take off clothing and place it in sectioned
> laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
> Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.
> If you see husband along the way,
> cover up any exposed areas.

> Look at your womanly physique in the mirror --
> make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

> Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah,
> wide loofah and pumice stone.

> Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
> with 43 added vitamins.
> Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
> Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
> Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
> 10 minutes until red.

> Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut
> and jaffa cake body wash.

> Rinse conditioner off hair.

> Shave armpits and legs.
> Rinse off.
> Turn off shower.

> Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
> Spray mold spots with Tilex.
> Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

> Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

> Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.
> If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
> Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
> and leave them in a pile.

> Walk naked to the bathroom.

> If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her
> making the woo-woo sound.

> Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

> Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

> Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

> Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

> Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

> Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

> Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on
> the soap.
> Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

> Pee.

> Rinse off and get out of shower.

> Partially dry off.

> Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was
> hanging out of tub the whole time.
> Admire wiener size in mirror again.

> Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,
> and light and fan on.
> Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

> If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her
> and make the woo-woo sound again.

> Throw wet towel on bed.

[theJesus]

It's funny because it's true lol

[_JP_]

Is that correct analisys implying there's something wrong with the male procedure?

[hellrazor]

Why are computer chips so small?

They don't eat much.

[theJesus]

Originally Posted by _JP_

Is that correct analisys implying there's something wrong with the male procedure?

Not at all.

[_JP_]

I was replying to BP's post, not yours.

[theJesus]

Originally Posted by _JP_

I was replying to BP's post, not yours.

Either way, I stand by my statement that there is nothing wrong with the male shower process.

[HossHuge]

A guys wife was in a coma for 3 months. Then one day, the doctors called him in to talk about an experimental treatment that they think might help her to come out of the coma.

They told him that when they bathe her, her vital signs start to pick up a bit when they wash around her private regions. So they think that oral sex might help her come out of the coma. So, the man agrees telling them that he will do anything for his wife.

They set up the room for him and make it nice and private and then the man goes in. Meanwhile, the doctors are in the next room monitoring everything.

At first, it doesn't seem to be working and then all of a sudden her vital signs start going up and down quickly and the doctors think she is cured. But then she flat-lines.

After a minute the man comes out of the room crying. The doctors asked him what went wrong. The man replied she was doing great at one point but then she choked!

[skellattarr]

did you know if you eat enough chicken you will end up with chicken shit