Joke

[de.das.dude]

what does a couple of gay dudes say when they see a really hot girl??


Mann.. if the chick's this hot, what will her bro be like??

[de.das.dude]

An engineer met a sweeper on an Indian road...

Engg: i have B.Tech, M.tech, Phd, and lots of knowlege. what do you have??

Sweeper: I HAVE A JOB!!!

[xfire]

Filing a BP Damage Claims. Due to the Gulf disaster, instead of a vacation at the beach, we're going to visit my in-laws.

[Black Panther]

Scientists have discovered intelligent DNA in some women.

Unfortunately 95% of them spat it out...

[Laurijan]

Here in Finland in the past you could get from a doctor alcohol called Pirtu which is 95% in strength:

A Finnish man came to a doctor and asked him: Could you give me Pirtu for my ill pig?
The doctor asked him does the "pig" have 2 legs? The man said: No 4 when the Pirtu is used up!

Edit: I might remember the joke wrong IDK

[Papahyooie]

Originally Posted by Black Panther

Scientists have discovered intelligent DNA in some women.

Unfortunately 95% of them spat it out...

Best... joke.... evar....

especially when told by a woman.

[Black Panther]

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress. "Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the ship.

"First we swim around the people in the water with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them? "

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

[de.das.dude]

love is not about finding the right person.
its about seeing your imperfect someone as perfect.

[de.das.dude]

if you rearrange the letters you will get these!!

*Dormitory=dirty room
*astronomer=moon starer
*the eyes=they see
*a decimal point=a dot in place
*eleven plus two=twelve plus one
*princess diana=end is a car spin
*mother in law=woman hitler

[Mussels]

Originally Posted by de.das.dude

if you rearrange the letters you will get these!!

*Dormitory=dirty room
*astronomer=moon starer
*the eyes=they see
*a decimal point=a dot in place
*eleven plus two=twelve plus one
*princess diana=end is a car spin
*mother in law=woman hitler

i'd thank you for this, but you know...

[entropy13]

Originally Posted by mussels

i'd thank you for this, but you know...

lol

[Triprift]

I dont get it. :/

[de.das.dude]

Originally Posted by Triprift

I dont get it. :/

i dont hve a thanx button.

[Mussels]

Originally Posted by Triprift

I dont get it. :/

his thanks button. look for it.

[de.das.dude]

or just look at my avvy.










<------- this one

[Triprift]

Im looking still aint getting it im getting old.

[Mussels]

Originally Posted by Triprift

Im looking still aint getting it im getting old.

he has no thanks button. you cant thank him. ITS GONE. i was teasing him by saying i'd thank him.

[Triprift]

Ahhh now i get it

[de.das.dude]

^ bherry phunnie.

[Black Panther]

How to understand a work application C.V.

Good Communication Skills - Spends a lot of time chatting on the telephone
Average Employee - Is not too bright
Exceptionally Well Qualified - Has made no major blunders yet
Work is her First Priority - Is too ugly to get a date
Active Socially - Drinks a lot
Family is Active Socially - Spouse drinks, too
Independent Worker - Nobody knows what he is doing
Quick Thinking - Offers plausible excuses
Careful Thinker - Won't make a decision
Uses Logic on Difficult Assignments - Gets someone else to do them
Expresses herself well - Speaks English
Meticulous Attention to Detail - Is a nit picker
Has Leadership Qualities - Is tall
Exceptionally Good Judgement - Is very lucky
Keen Sense of Humor - Knows a lot of dirty jokes
Career Minded - Is always stabbing colleagues in the back
Very Loyal - Can't get a job anywhere else

[Black Panther]

Why a dog is better than a wife

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

15. Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's the happiest to see you.

[Black Panther]

Drug dealers vs. software developers


Drug dealers:

1. Refer to their clients as “users”.
2. “The first one’s free!”
3. Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff).
4. Strange jargon: “Stick”, “Rock”, “Dime bag,” “E”.
5. Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
6. Job is assisted by industry’s producing newer, more potent mixes.
7. Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers.
8. Their product causes unhealthy addictions.
9. Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.



Software developers:

1. Refer to their clients as “users”.
2. “Download a free trial version…”
3. Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code).
4. Strange jargon: “SCSI”, “ISDN”, “Java”, “RTFM”
5. Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
6. Job is assisted by industry’s producing newer, faster machines.
7. Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists.
8. Their product causes unhealthy addictions – DOOM. Quake. SimCity.WoW.
9. FFFUUUU!!!!

[Black Panther]

This is so true it isn't even funny

Three contractors were visiting a Sports club and tourist attraction on the same day.
At the end of the tour, the CEO asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors. The CEO said, "Hey, we need to build an extension to the Sports Club House , why don't you guys look at the plans and put in a quotation for the works give me a bid?"
First to step up was the English contractor. Having hands on experience on such jobs, did some calculating and said, "Well I figure the job will run about €900,000 €400,000 for materials, €400,000 for my crew, and €100,000 profit for me."
Next was the Sicilian contractor. He also did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for €700,000. €300,000 for materials. €300,000 for my crew, and €100,000 profit for me."
Without so much as moving, the Maltese contractor said, "€2,700,000."
The CEO, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even do your calculations like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy," he said. "€1,000,000 for me, "€1,000,000 for you and we hire the Sicilian guy."

[de.das.dude]

[Since the 'thanks' one is missing, I pressed the 'edit' button to thank you ]

me: thank u.

[Triprift]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...
''Go away!'' said the old lady ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."